Knife Edge

Feeling ok: Check.  

Getting a few bits done: Check.  

Cathartic Blog post written :Good.  

Quickly posted just in time to go pick kids up:  Cool

Realising you just posted to wrong blog, which is not so annonymous and has automatically anounced post to all and sundry via facebook:  arrghhhhhh.  Paniced latemaking attempts at removing fb status and blog post follow.  Double check, it’s worked, phew.

Calm eventually restored once tired children have stopped screaming.

Feeling confident? Time to copy and repost to correct blog.  

WRONG.  Misposted again, early evening, when my connection goes slow sue to heavy traffic and lots of people I know are on fb.  Treble arrgh, complete panic, kids bedtime on hold whilst I sort it out.

Eventually sorted out ok, kids asleep (for now), avoidence tactic employed then 3rd cautious attempt at post went ok.  

But me?  Not so good now.  Back to Communication Shutdown, which I wrote about here



This evening not good. Straight from “normal” to commincation shutdown. I could almost feel a big heavy commercial freezer type door swinging shut in my head. The lights may be on but I’m not home. No interim, no warning, no anxiety, just shut myself away and gone onto standby. I need to talk to long suffering other half, ask for help, a hug, something, anything, but whilst the small rational part of my brain is jumping up and down screaming at my mouth to open the cord has been pulled.#howtocommunicatetroublecommunicating






One thought on “Knife Edge

  1. Bless you. That sounds horrible.

    Just one or two ideas about tackling the shutdown. I think it might be a good idea to have something that functions as a flag. So, you know like BDSM folks use a ‘safeword’ — in a scene there’s a safeword, a word people are not going to say as part of normal conversation, which functions to indicate that all is not well and means the scene ends for debriefing etc. So could you set up a safeword with spouse & close friends? So if this is happening you say or text this word to those people. Maybe even have it ready as a template text on a mobile phone

    You could also write an action plan, describing what would help you when this happens. Or if the spouse is around, is there a special t-shirt or jumper that you could reserve for indicating that this has happened?

    One of the things in my positive self-talk is to remind myself that the task of looking after young children and a house is not easy, and speaking for myelf, I think i have not been prepared for it. My education was great but I recognise that all through it was the message that I was lucky to get this opportunity and that doing so meant I did not to have to deal with the home and family. Basically the education I got was the one given to blokes who were not expected to tackle these problems.

    Add to that the open-ended problem-definition and solving skills from the highest level of formal education; most of the highly educated women I know don’t compartmentalise their brains so can’t help applying these skills to many parts of life. Which is great, I am sure we will solve many problems in this generation because of these skills, but it’s important to remember that there is a cognitive burden of anxiety linked to exercising these high level skills. To do so we have to dig into stuff which most people take for granted and walk over.

    So it’s a double challenge: parenting and housekeeping without proper training; and doing so with a highly-trained mind for digging deeply into difficult problems — which social interaction and family life are chock full of, especially if one has also been burdened by social and environmental conscisousness. Anyway sorry that was a whole essay on your blog. I think it can help to see the wider context — there are aspects to our difficulties that arise from your background, professional training and social context, and that perspective may be employed to good effect in taking the pressure off.

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