yo yo

I feel a bit like an emotional toddler at the moment. Dominated by moods but they change really suddenly.

On Friday evening I started feeling a bit agitated/not right, I can’t really describe the feeling. But I kept going and even did the sorting out things that I normally run from in this situation. Intellectually I knew that it was good to have removed things from my to do list at a time they could start to loom large and trigger lots of anxiety, but frustratingly it wasn’t really helping me feel any better then and there. So I sat down to write a post about how I was feeling and to my surprise instead a blog about my low point at the beginning of the summer came out, which I’d been meaning to write for weeks but could never quite manage it. And after that I did feel better, lots better.

Then I had a busy few days where I was stuck into things and didn’t notice much at all, culminating in helping on a school trip yesterday. So maybe the trigger was doing too much, but last night I felt awful. So I cut my loses and watched The Great British Bake Off on iplayer, which helped a bit, actually the best bit was watching the final judging with hubby whilst having a cuddle, then I went to bed. Where I actually managed to talk to my lovely husband about how crap I was feeling. And it seems that when I’m feeling rubbish and stomping about and hiding in corners and barely communicating etc and I don’t say anything to him because a) I don’t know what to say b) I don’t want to bother him c) I’m not sure what he could do about it anyway and d) I feel guilty, well he knows something is up without me saying anything because, err, it’s pretty obvious and he’s not a moron and we’re married and he knows me quite well. And actually talking to him helped and we ended up laughing about it and I went to sleep feeling happy.

So, after my malfunctioning brain finally works out the obvious that my husband knows me well and talking things through with him and having a hug helps me feel better and I get a fairly decent nights sleep I woke up feeling awful. Where’s the fairness in that? What’s more I realised that I had slept well because long sufferring husband had had to settle a small person in the night and had fallen asleep in their bed and slept badly and was now back in our bed tired and achy. So I really didn’t feel I could tell him how rubbish I felt as it was my turn to cope. So I was grumpy shouty mummy until eveyone was eating breakfast and then I hid in the other room and blogged, which is oh so useful on a school morning, leaving a tired grumpy daddy to deal with them instead.

In the end I managed a rolling start, going through the motions and pretending I could do stuff until I could. And I got them to school ok. Then a good friend shared some nice news with me and I had a gossip with someone else and I started to feel human. So I got stuck into an errand for my mum and acheived something. Then met with an old school friend, as arranged after bumping into them unexpectedly last week and spent a lovely time, mainly making friends with and being monopolised by their charming 3 year old daughter.

So it was even more of a shock when a wave of bad feeling hit me as I left to go home and meet husband (who happened to be working at home for a change) for lunch. Not hollow this time but filled with buzzing baddness. And added guilt at saving all my bad feelings for when I was with him. He’d popped out when I got back and when he returned I was instead filled with manic energy and couldn’t stay still to talk to him as I was trying to do 3 things at once.

Things are calmer now thankfully. I wanted to remember that things have been good, not just bad, but mainly I’m exhausted from having been on an emotional rollercoaster for no apparent reason.

3 thoughts on “yo yo

  1. I know that one oh so well. You’ve described exactly what I notice – when I’m distracted, or doing something nice like a chat with a friend, all seems well. And then they leave, and the curtains come crashing down again, making it almost harder to deal with for having had a glorious, wonderful period (however short) of feeling human. You’re talking to your husband, that’s good. He knows you, he knows when something is up – also good. For us, Hubby always knows before I do, but even the fact of my acknowledging it too makes it easier on us both. I hate saying, absolutely hate it, for all the reasons you’ve described above. But it helps him to know, and we’ve reached an agreement where if he isn’t able for it, he’ll let me know. Not easy, but for the best.
    Might help your Hubby to read perspective of mine……..http://sunnyspellsandscatteredshowers.blogspot.ie/2013/06/on-being-caught-in-fallout.html
    Mind yourself x

    • Thanks Fiona. I have also been known to blog rather than communicate then show him the blog entry later (and immediately leave whilst he reads it), to help him understand. He knows well that something is up just not necersarily what.

      Today is well and I just deleted something from my mental to do list as I realised (/admitted to myself?) that I didn’t have time to do it all and was going to make myself stressed and late and feeling like a failure. There may be hope for me yet!

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