I feel a bit like an emotional toddler at the moment. Dominated by moods but they change really suddenly.
On Friday evening I started feeling a bit agitated/not right, I can’t really describe the feeling. But I kept going and even did the sorting out things that I normally run from in this situation. Intellectually I knew that it was good to have removed things from my to do list at a time they could start to loom large and trigger lots of anxiety, but frustratingly it wasn’t really helping me feel any better then and there. So I sat down to write a post about how I was feeling and to my surprise instead a blog about my low point at the beginning of the summer came out, which I’d been meaning to write for weeks but could never quite manage it. And after that I did feel better, lots better.
Then I had a busy few days where I was stuck into things and didn’t notice much at all, culminating in helping on a school trip yesterday. So maybe the trigger was doing too much, but last night I felt awful. So I cut my loses and watched The Great British Bake Off on iplayer, which helped a bit, actually the best bit was watching the final judging with hubby whilst having a cuddle, then I went to bed. Where I actually managed to talk to my lovely husband about how crap I was feeling. And it seems that when I’m feeling rubbish and stomping about and hiding in corners and barely communicating etc and I don’t say anything to him because a) I don’t know what to say b) I don’t want to bother him c) I’m not sure what he could do about it anyway and d) I feel guilty, well he knows something is up without me saying anything because, err, it’s pretty obvious and he’s not a moron and we’re married and he knows me quite well. And actually talking to him helped and we ended up laughing about it and I went to sleep feeling happy.
So, after my malfunctioning brain finally works out the obvious that my husband knows me well and talking things through with him and having a hug helps me feel better and I get a fairly decent nights sleep I woke up feeling awful. Where’s the fairness in that? What’s more I realised that I had slept well because long sufferring husband had had to settle a small person in the night and had fallen asleep in their bed and slept badly and was now back in our bed tired and achy. So I really didn’t feel I could tell him how rubbish I felt as it was my turn to cope. So I was grumpy shouty mummy until eveyone was eating breakfast and then I hid in the other room and blogged, which is oh so useful on a school morning, leaving a tired grumpy daddy to deal with them instead.
In the end I managed a rolling start, going through the motions and pretending I could do stuff until I could. And I got them to school ok. Then a good friend shared some nice news with me and I had a gossip with someone else and I started to feel human. So I got stuck into an errand for my mum and acheived something. Then met with an old school friend, as arranged after bumping into them unexpectedly last week and spent a lovely time, mainly making friends with and being monopolised by their charming 3 year old daughter.
So it was even more of a shock when a wave of bad feeling hit me as I left to go home and meet husband (who happened to be working at home for a change) for lunch. Not hollow this time but filled with buzzing baddness. And added guilt at saving all my bad feelings for when I was with him. He’d popped out when I got back and when he returned I was instead filled with manic energy and couldn’t stay still to talk to him as I was trying to do 3 things at once.
Things are calmer now thankfully. I wanted to remember that things have been good, not just bad, but mainly I’m exhausted from having been on an emotional rollercoaster for no apparent reason.