Today has been an effort. Not too bad, nothing dramatic, no hiding away, but at the same time not as it should be.
To look at me, I probably seemed normal, up and doing things, talking, with some long heavy sighs added in and a bit of staring into space.
Inside, I had a physical feeling in my gut, that kind of sinking feeling, just all the time. I felt just slightly removed, like there was a layer of cloud between me and the rest of the world.
None of these words really describe it right. If I had woken up aching all over from doing something streneous activity, then I would have done my normal things, but been a bit slower than normal, and aware of all of my movements, I would have paused before doing things and had to motivate myself. Well, it was sort of like that, but with no pain.
I tried to think of good things to get me started. Because I always find getting started hard and I always feel better once I’ve done something, it gives me momentum to do the next thing, it shows me that I can do things, it stops me sitting and wasting a couple of hours noodling on the computer or similar which only makes me feel bad which makes it harder to do things.
Getting started tasks have to be simple, require no thinking, be easy to complete, not take to long, not have the chance of me getting distracted and going of focus. (As I type this it reminds me of SMART (Specific, Measurable, Acheivable, Realistic, Timebound) objective setting, but as I no longer do that kind of job I don’t have to worry about that kind of jargon). Even when I’m not feeling bad, I like to do some of these first, to warm me up to things that require more thinking. When I did work in the office, I would do the routine stuff before trying to sort out more complicated project work. At home often I do the washing up (there’s always some to do), today I chose sorting out all the washing spread around the house to dry, which has the advantage that we have 3 floors (that sounds posher than it is, small mid terrace house with attic conversion) so I have to go up and down a lot of stairs which literally gets me moving.
Sometimes getting started can shake me out of a mood, or lessen it enough that I can do the next thing and lessen it more.
Not today. I was moving, doing things, but it was hard work.
Most annoying of all, my husband was at home having the second of two days off to make up for all the work he’s had to do at weekends recently. Yesterday the kids came home for lunch, but we had today to ourself. A chance to catch up on things that needed doing, or just hang out together, but I was struggling to connect.
Needless to say he knew, and he was great. He came and did some sorting out in the same room I was. We did go out for lunch and the fresh air helped (for a whole 5 mins before it started raining sideways). And he suggested looking in shops he thought would cheer me up. And I got hugs whenever I wanted and toast and cups of tea.
When we got back home with an hour before picking the kids up I ran away to our bedroom to just be alone, to noodle, to try and recharge my batteries (which is not uncommon for that time of day). He came and found me (with tea) and stayed and I was a little annoyed. I couldn’t relax with him there. But then, he gave me another hug and held my hand whilst I fell asleep, whispered that he was picking the kids up and left me to nap, got them, cooked tea, brought me yet another drink and came back and checked I was waking up.
And I feel so much better after my sleep. I’m going to go and sit down to my dinner now. Today starts again now and this time it’s going well/