I had a bit of a meltdown this afternoon. I was so very tired. For no good reason. (OK, looking back, menstrual cycle and hormones were reasons for a start). And I’d just brought the kids home from school. I fell into shallow sleep on the sofa but they kept being very noisy. I found myself shouting at them to stop shouting (which is never a good plan). More than once. At some point it felt like they weren’t listening when I spoke to them (which I guess means I must have stopped shouting) and at once I felt overwhelmingly that I spend my days being ignored by my family, that no one ever listens to me and that there was no space in my head for me to think because it was taken up by noise and hubub and interruptions. I remember crying a lot too. The children just carried on as normal, playing, which was both a blessed relief and conpounded my feelings of not being noticed. I think there might have been a period of numbly staring into space. I made it into the kitchen and after standing there a while managed to text my husband saying he needed to get fish and chips on the way home (as I hadn’t started tea).
Turns out he was nearly home and asked if he should come home first. It was so nice to have him there, to have someone notice I wasn’t right and give me a big hug. He didn’t want to leave both the kids with me whilst he went out, but they didn’t want to go. So I offered. Actually, in the end, as he was there and I felt better I ended up cooking. Although once I was cooking and looked ok he left me to it in our (very small) kitchen, which wasn’t what I had in mind, but I coped and coping helped.
He cancelled his regular going out so I didn’t have to put the kids to bed. Which is good as they were hyper and tired and he struggled so who knows what I would’ve done. And then once the kids were in bed he found somewhere else to go out. So now I’m alone and still righting myself from my big shake earlier. I think the root causes of hormone and tiredness (and kids) were “normal” but my response, was that in the “normal” range? There was definitely room for improvement.
At the moment there’s quite a bit of guilt. Bad Parent Guilt, Bad Wife Guilt. And confusion. What was all that about? And sadness. Not sure what for, I think I feel sad that I’m having to cope with this. And lonelyness.
Having one adult I rely on to help when I’m not good is a fragile thing. It relies on him being there, not being tired or ill himself, figuring out the right thing to do/say. It’s not fair, on either of us. And yet, the alternative is talking to someone else and I have no idea whom or how.