Yesterday I wrote about the nagging voice I have that tells me I’m a fraud when I blog. Well maybe I got that bit of my brain on the defensive, because today it’s changed tack.
Today the narrative is that I am attention seeking, that I wrote a pity peice in order to solicite compliments. Look at exhibit A, someone posted a nice supportive comment. I should be ashamed of myself, I should delete the post.
It doesnt help that I haven’t had the best 24 hours. I had one of my triggers last night and got all worked up and hubby dealt with it for me, which is nice because I didn’t have to but also not so good because me not having done it adds into the mix of guilt (I can’t beleive I wrote that, I so often want him to sort things out for me, he actually did and now I’m saying it wasn’t the best thing) and there are still things I need to face up to and sort out.
As he was going out last night I had to put the kids to bed by myself, which went ok but boy was I having flashes of nasty thoughts strobing in my head whilst I was doing it, which I managed to ignore. Then I spent some time reading my favourite mental health blogs and writing
unsolicited essays comments and then I wrote the post and after I realised I felt better. I started some housework, got distracted and rang my mum and lost my mojo to do stuff.
It was at this point I made a mistake. I decided that nearly midnight was just the best time to draft a letter to my GP to ask him to reconsider referring my son for an assesment to see if he has Aspergers / ASD. And of course I needed to check out some good websites that recommend this route to back up my case. So I restarted my internet connection (which is programmed to turn off at midnight) and sat in bed writing. I didn’t take the hint when hubby came in and went to bed, I just turned the bedside light on and the main light off.
Back to bad habits with sleeping patterns, bad starts to the day. Hiding under the covers because I don’t want to get up, and in the holidays this is easier, especially as hubby has the day off.
We are going away on Monday. I need to get to a better place before then otherwise I’ll be dragging around background anxiety with me and that won’t be fun for anyone. But for now I need to get up and do something basic and useful, live in the moment, stop navel gazing, kick start my day (albeit nearly at lunchtime).