Bad Brain on the defensive

Yesterday I wrote about the nagging voice I have that tells me I’m a fraud when I blog. Well maybe I got that bit of my brain on the defensive, because today it’s changed tack.

Today the narrative is that I am attention seeking, that I wrote a pity peice in order to solicite compliments. Look at exhibit A, someone posted a nice supportive comment. I should be ashamed of myself, I should delete the post.

It doesnt help that I haven’t had the best 24 hours. I had one of my triggers last night and got all worked up and hubby dealt with it for me, which is nice because I didn’t have to but also not so good because me not having done it adds into the mix of guilt (I can’t beleive I wrote that, I so often want him to sort things out for me, he actually did and now I’m saying it wasn’t the best thing) and there are still things I need to face up to and sort out.

As he was going out last night I had to put the kids to bed by myself, which went ok but boy was I having flashes of nasty thoughts strobing in my head whilst I was doing it, which I managed to ignore. Then I spent some time reading my favourite mental health blogs and writing unsolicited essays comments and then I wrote the post and after I realised I felt better. I started some housework, got distracted and rang my mum and lost my mojo to do stuff.

It was at this point I made a mistake. I decided that nearly midnight was just the best time to draft a letter to my GP to ask him to reconsider referring my son for an assesment to see if he has Aspergers / ASD. And of course I needed to check out some good websites that recommend this route to back up my case. So I restarted my internet connection (which is programmed to turn off at midnight) and sat in bed writing. I didn’t take the hint when hubby came in and went to bed, I just turned the bedside light on and the main light off.

Back to bad habits with sleeping patterns, bad starts to the day. Hiding under the covers because I don’t want to get up, and in the holidays this is easier, especially as hubby has the day off.

We are going away on Monday. I need to get to a better place before then otherwise I’ll be dragging around background anxiety with me and that won’t be fun for anyone. But for now I need to get up and do something basic and useful, live in the moment, stop navel gazing, kick start my day (albeit nearly at lunchtime).

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3 thoughts on “Bad Brain on the defensive

  1. Bitchface again?? Don’t you just LOVE when you second guess every single thing that you do? Case in point – want Hubby to help, he helps, feel bad that he helped = stick to beat yourself with. Hope you managed the rest of the day ok.

    • We didnt do much today, but that was good. We did manage a little tidying (how can it take so long when the family are all involved?) which has reclaimed a corner of my house and is cheering me up. Then we went into town, the others to the museum and I bought some desperately needed new bras – I know how to live it up! I absolutely hate going bra shopping, and it was horrible as I predicted, but I managed to come away with new underwear and not burst into tears, so that counts as a win.
      And tonight, hubby is out again (a work colleagues leaving do so not rearrangable, he did check it was ok) and I am feeling so much better than last night, although I have started some sewing rather than sorting out the admin I need to do. In summary, improving but could do better.

      • Thinking of you. When everyone’s involved in tidying don’t you spend a lot of the time managing small people into developing useful tidying skills? That’s one reason it takes long round here. And, yay for not being distressed to tears by bra shopping. I quite sympathize.

        Found this essay via people on FB last week. It’s a politicized take on anxiety. I don’t know whether it will appeal to you, do pass by if not. But it’s another way to look at it: http://www.weareplanc.org/we-are-all-very-anxious/

        Also can quite sympathize with not having diagnoses etc. In fact my own philosophy at present is always to question the value of diagnosis. If it is more likely than not to help achieve something in particular, for example getting necessary help or access to funding or whatever, or even ‘just’ validation of one’s own experience, then fine. But only if the benefits can be seen to clearly outweigh the struggles and possible downsides (for ex., I have heard of an instance where having ‘anxiety’ on a person’s medical notes made it apparently impossible for one GP to listen to anything even about a completely unrelated and later rather drastically confirmed physical condition.)

        V best wishes to you! & don’t quite know how to say this but — hope you might find a way towards speaking to yourself only as you would speak to a dear friend? I know, easier said than done. One of my struggles has been to overcome a habit of bitter criticism and I think I am starting to see the light on that one a little. And hope you catch up on sleep and routines and so on. Anyway, that’s plenty of unsolicited essay and opinions for today, which I trust you will take or leave according to your own best judgement.

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