Today has been a yo yo.
Excellent start, followed by complete meltdown (mine), then recovery, kids at school, procrastination, dealing with anxiety triggers, being proactive, making progress, acknowledging my tiredness and having a nap rather than noodling on the internet and feeling guilty about not getting stuff done, coping fairly well and creatively with mini meltdowns and bickering children and a husband I’m too busy to work out if he’s tired or ill or stressed and then the showstopper, a massive angry wearwolf episode just now staring me because the two little pigs wouldn’t follow the bedtime script.
And now I want to do something for me but I’m not sure what it is. Probably should go for a run, but I don’t feel like it. Some friends of hubbys are going out but I don’t like them that much to join them on my own. A walk in the twilight might do it (so best get cracking before it goes) but I’m fighting the urge to go and buy cigarettes and have a smoke at the same time (I was only ever a part time smoker at best and I haven’t had any in 8 years).
I did go out. I worked out why I wanted to buy cigarettes, because I wanted to do something bad. So I bought a pack, smoked half of one (the first 3 puffs were nice and then I realised I wasn’t enjoying it so I stubbed it out) walking through the park by myself as the sun was setting (very daring), walked some more, got the bus into the “city” centre (lets just say I’ve lived in bigger cities in the past), went to the art centre and browsed the flyers to find a Thing I Want To Do (nothing really, except one thing that happens on hubbies current hobby night, grr), left the rest of the cigarettes on a table outside a bar, walked to a takeaway (using my Manchester Walk to get me through the frankly quite tame and quiet streets) and ordered something for me, went to the shop, bought a beer and some nice things for breakfast (guilty mama, moi?), collected takaway, came home, ate takeaway, drank beer, noodled the internet in peace, feel much better now. Let’s see how tomorrow goes.