This blog is getting confused. It used to be about my anxiety. But in many ways I’m not being as anxious at the moment, which is good. But I’m also not quite feeling like a “normal member of society”. So, when you’re not even sure if you have an official diagnosis (my GP did mutter something about Generalised Anxiety Disorder) what are you left with when your obvious symptoms have faded slightly? (e.g. I’ve cleared all my answerphone messages, landline and mobile, and I’ve been answering the phone. This is a long way from me at Red (when I was running and hiding in tears when the phone rang and my husbands was in so I couldn’t just ignore it) but is clearly not quite Green yet (as it took some effort to do). Whilst not complaining that some things are a little easier, I still seem to have a lot of areas where I “could do better” and I certainly don’t feel like I’m coping with life as well as I should.
A lot of the time the blog seems to be about me as a parent. Or me struggling to be a good enough parent. Which is not completely illogical as being a parent is the main thing I do. And then there’s the added “Does my son have Aspergers element, in case I was worried that life was too simple.
And then there’s the other big part of my life, my team mate, best friend, co parent and husband, who, lets face it has a lot on his plate and unsurprisingly struggles a little sometimes too.
Tonight, it’s rather late, and I’ve decided my life is like the Borromean rings. No, not full of purity body and flavour. Look at the rings, all tangled together, cannot be pulled apart and seperated. But if you take one ring away suddenly the other two aren’t connected at all and fall apart.
Today we had another difficult time getting to school. Again. I made the mistake of asking my son if he wanted to take his school library book in as I remembered his class get the chance to swap them on a Friday. Turns out he hadn’t read it yet, hadn’t even looked at it. So he didn’t feel able to make that decision. To me the obvious solution was to keep it until next Friday and swap it then. To him it was to flick through the book and look at the pictures to help him make the decision. Which at another time of day might have been reasonable, but not when we needed to leave the house. Especially not as he is not a person who can “just flick through” a book, he likes to read them all in one go, he always struggles to put them down before he’s finished.
So I was shouted and screamed at again and he arrived at school in a state again. Somehow, this time, I remained calm and didn’t get involved in an argument. Hurrah. I wouldn’t even remember the incident now but this evening I went out with some school related people I don’t know so well. Someone who lives near me and often sees me going to and from school with my kids, recounted explaining to a third person that I hadn’t been rude and ignoring her when she said hello and I didn’t reply, I was probably just “shouting at my children”. Ouch.
I don’t want to be the mother who shouts at her children. I’m not always, but I am more than I’d like. I don’t want to be the mother who walks calmly along whilst her child shouts at her either, but it’s the better option of the two.