Going round in circles

This blog is getting confused. It used to be about my anxiety. But in many ways I’m not being as anxious at the moment, which is good. But I’m also not quite feeling like a “normal member of society”. So, when you’re not even sure if you have an official diagnosis (my GP did mutter something about Generalised Anxiety Disorder) what are you left with when your obvious symptoms have faded slightly? (e.g. I’ve cleared all my answerphone messages, landline and mobile, and I’ve been answering the phone. This is a long way from me at Red (when I was running and hiding in tears when the phone rang and my husbands was in so I couldn’t just ignore it) but is clearly not quite Green yet (as it took some effort to do). Whilst not complaining that some things are a little easier, I still seem to have a lot of areas where I “could do better” and I certainly don’t feel like I’m coping with life as well as I should.

A lot of the time the blog seems to be about me as a parent. Or me struggling to be a good enough parent. Which is not completely illogical as being a parent is the main thing I do. And then there’s the added “Does my son have Aspergers element, in case I was worried that life was too simple.

And then there’s the other big part of my life, my team mate, best friend, co parent and husband, who, lets face it has a lot on his plate and unsurprisingly struggles a little sometimes too.

Tonight, it’s rather late, and I’ve decided my life is like the Borromean ringsBorromean rings. No, not full of purity body and flavour. Look at the rings, all tangled together, cannot be pulled apart and seperated. But if you take one ring away suddenly the other two aren’t connected at all and fall apart.

Today we had another difficult time getting to school. Again. I made the mistake of asking my son if he wanted to take his school library book in as I remembered his class get the chance to swap them on a Friday. Turns out he hadn’t read it yet, hadn’t even looked at it. So he didn’t feel able to make that decision. To me the obvious solution was to keep it until next Friday and swap it then. To him it was to flick through the book and look at the pictures to help him make the decision. Which at another time of day might have been reasonable, but not when we needed to leave the house. Especially not as he is not a person who can “just flick through” a book, he likes to read them all in one go, he always struggles to put them down before he’s finished.

So I was shouted and screamed at again and he arrived at school in a state again. Somehow, this time, I remained calm and didn’t get involved in an argument. Hurrah. I wouldn’t even remember the incident now but this evening I went out with some school related people I don’t know so well. Someone who lives near me and often sees me going to and from school with my kids, recounted explaining to a third person that I hadn’t been rude and ignoring her when she said hello and I didn’t reply, I was probably just “shouting at my children”. Ouch.

I don’t want to be the mother who shouts at her children. I’m not always, but I am more than I’d like. I don’t want to be the mother who walks calmly along whilst her child shouts at her either, but it’s the better option of the two.

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5 thoughts on “Going round in circles

  1. The beauty of it being your blog is that you can write about whatever you want. It can be anxiety, or parenting, or marriage, or the merits of Ballantine’s Ale. (Is that the one with the rebus puzzles inside the cap? My dad used to have those sometimes and I loved the puzzles as a kid.)

    Anyway, my point is that maybe you don’t need to feel bad that anxiety isn’t the focus of every single post. I’ve thought sometimes that with my blog name I’ve really pigeonholed myself, and there’s less option to expand into other things like cooking. “One Depressed Mama cooks Chicken Piccata!!!” Hardly an appealing option for readers. πŸ™‚ But… it’s my blog, and right now depression and parenting and self-awareness are a lot of what I’m about, so it works for now.

    You definitely have your hands full at the moment. A husband who is having a hard time, a son who is going through a lot and you’re trying to help him the best way you can. And a daughter who presumably needs something from you too. And yourself – can’t forget to allow time and energy for you, too. Personally I think you’re doing a remarkable job keeping all those plates spinning.

    And that neighbor who said you were probably shouting at your kids? She can stuff it, to put it kindly. She clearly isn’t someone who would be supportive and kind and compassionate – so not the kind of person you really need in your life. I understand that you don’t want to be a shouting mom – I get that, I really do. But I’m betting that the shouting that happens in the morning getting out the door is a small part of your interaction with your kids. You would be hard pressed to find a mom who didn’t shout sometimes in the morning – that’s a tough time for anyone. On top of that, you have a son who requires more careful handling and probably reacts more extremely than other kids. You’re working to figure those pieces out, and you care to find the best strategies for him. I’m confident that you will find approaches that help – and my guess is that the morning shouting will taper off, too.

    Remember to be kind to yourself. And as someone wise once said, Keep breathing. πŸ™‚

    • One Depressed Mama cooks Chicken Piccata, I’d read that, I don’t even know what Chicken Piccata is. Mental Health Blog Cook A Long Blog Hop Series anyone?

      On a less frivalous note, thanks for your comment. I still sometimes feel I’m a fraud blogging about anxiety when I don’t really have a “proper” problem. But not enough to stop me blogging. Plus I really am feeling in some strange kind of limbo at the moment, in between coping and not coping. It’s better than wanting to curl up in a ball and hide, definitley, but still has it’s own challenges and really gives Bitchface some fuel as if nothing is wrong what is my excuse for not being superhuman?

      But I don’t think the neighbour was putting me down. She’s lived in the UK for a long time but is from elsewhere in Europe and I think it’s just in her nature/culture to talk straight and tell it like it is. She witnessed the argument we had about hats (oh that sounds so ridiculous) at the beginning of this week, and whilst I hope I wasn’t shouting I certainly wasn’t talking quietly and calmly as I walked up the street. It’s sort of a uncomfortable reminder that I still need to keep working on how I deal with the kids.

      But now it’s Saturday morning and the sun is shining so fingers crossed for lots of high quality family time with minimal crossness today.

      PS – no idea about the beer, we don’t have that brand here (I think, not a beer drinker myself), I just love maths.

      • Sign me up for the Blog Hop series! I’ll make a virtual dinner for everyone. Chicken Piccata is delicious but you have to like capers and lemon…otherwise I wouldn’t really recommend it. πŸ™‚

        Isn’t it funny how we don’t want to be diagnosed with something, but then when we are, it helps us to feel better about ourselves because we feel validated? I understand your feeling like you don’t quite belong in the “in crowd” of bloggers because you don’t have an official diagnosis. Of course I’m sure you know somewhere that the reasoning there is flawed… you have just as much a write to blog as anyone else, with or without a diagnosis. I don’t read your blog because I expect to get insight into someone with “proper” anxiety – I read it because your anxieties are similar to mine, and your experiences resonate with me. It doesn’t matter in the least how you’ve been classified by your doctor.

        Limbo is one of my least favorite places. There’s a reason Dante included it in his levels of hell. In some twisted way, I’m probably more comfortable being deep down in the hole than I am being in limbo.

        As for the neighbor, I understand what you’re saying and I retract all that mean, nasty stuff I said about her. I think I was just feeling fiercely defensive of you at the moment. πŸ™‚

        Now if only our mental worlds would follow the laws of mathematics… !

  2. What One DM said! Your blog is about you, so sometimes it will be about managing your anxiety, sometimes it will be something else entirely. It’s all you. I get the confusion though, I do sometimes feel that if I’m not in the throes of depression then there’s no point in writing because that’s what it’s about and no one will want to read it otherwise. But then I remember it’s not just about depression (or any other fancy new labels I might have!!) it’s about me. So recording the good days and the embarrassing moments are just as important. They’re all part of the same journey, they all add up to me. Does that make sense?
    And yes, we all shout xx

  3. Aha, just discovered your blog. Goodie! Looking forward to reading through it. Interesting, I just had a conversation with my 29 year old son about whether I shouted much when he was a child. Some, he said. Some. What’s “some”? Well, not much, he hedged. OK. I’m sure I did my share of shouting, and I know he certainly did, so I guess if we don’t go overboard, it must be a normal part of being human…sample size of two Aspies.

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