Baby Steps

So, the past few days I’ve been getting that anxsty feeling in the pit of my stomach, not all the time, just in the corners so to speak. (A bit like how you see things out of the corner of your eye, you’re not aware of them all the time, especially not if you’re looking at something, but then you suddenly notice them/it when you’re not expecting it).

I haven’t really gotten to the bottom of it yet, I have some ideas of what’s causing it, but what with the last weekend of half term and things on to do and my brother visiting I’ve not felt I’ve had time to address the underlying issues so I’ve just been sticking my fingers in my ears and throwing myself into stuff. Mainly.

Well, one of the times was last night, when I should have been going to bed. I distracted myself noodling on the internet for a bit, but then I was a bit firm with myself. I knew one thing bothering me was the fact that there were messages lurking on the phoneline, so I told myself I was going to listen to them before I went to bed. I had to work hard to persuade me to do that one (cue more noodling for a bit), reminding myself that the messages were there whether I listened too them or not, nothing else would change in the world if I heard them I’d just know what they were. (Does this make sense? I’m guess I was reminding myself that there is not telephone equivalent of a Mail Read email message that will ping it’s way back to the person who left the message and tell them that I’ve now heard it so that they will immediately be filled with scorn at me for a) how long it took me to hear it and b) that I haven’t immediately dealt with the problem, actually I missed out that they’re already filled with scorn at me as I have clearly let them down in some way, why else would they phone me?) Anyway, I sort of repeated the logic non stop in my mind so there was no space for a counter argument, telling myself that in all probability at least some of the messages were nice and even if they weren’t it would be better that I knew and I could wake up in the morning and deal with them.

Actually I used a technique from a running book I have, where the author says she tricks herself into having a run, telling herself as she puts her trainers on that shes just going for a walk, telling herself as she starts running that she’s just going to do 5 minutes, etc. So, I told myself I was just going to check there were actually messages on the line, then I told myself that I was just going to ring the answerphone number to find out how many messages there were (4, which is nothing, my all time record was double figures), then I was just going to find out what the first one was, etc.

And I did it, I listened to all the messages. And there was nothing dreadful. And I remembered to phone the internet bank and transfer money so that check I wrote the workman will clear (not a stressful thing for me, unless I forget). So I could go to bed with a clear concious, which would hopefully set me up for getting more stuff done in the morning. Go me!

Of course, then I passed on to hubby (who was lying in bed but not asleep) the message that was for him, which triggered a load of stress for him. Gah. Big hugs and hot chocolate were administered.

But overall I was quitely quite pleased with myself at my small acheivement.

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