Floating Worry

Yesterday was good. After a busy start to the half term holidays, an okay middle and then my brother visiting at the end I finally had a day to myself, hubby at work, kids at school, visitors gone. After a slow start (blubbling at an uplifting story about a young woman with non verbal autism – thanks internet) I did some stuff. Yay. I now have a much cleaner, clearer kitchen with enough workspace clear to serve everyone’s tea at once (it’s been a while) and have sorted out the cupboard with damp at the back (yeugh, well it’s better for now at least, long term solution is already on “the list”) and tidied and cleaned the living room (well, the middle of it, don’t look in the corners or behind the sofa). Oh and I found a roofer who has time to assess my roof issues (it’s been a wet and windy winter around these parts, roofers are a scare commodity). Plus hubby and I had 40 mins in the pub whilst the kids were at their group. And I finally got chance to do some sewing and instead of starting another new thing I finished something I started a year ago.

So, today should be a day for building on my good start. Right? Except somewhere the script went awry. This morning wasn’t too bad. No tempers or meltdowns, just more of a long slog with me constantly trying to get children into a fit state to go to school whilst they wandered off and/or interrupted me (you know the kind of thing, a small girl asks you to get her a drink, then follows you into the really rather small kitchen and pesters you thus preventing you getting it, then the other one appears in their pants as they can’t find their shorts, so you have to send him back upstairs to get his t shirt on saying you’ll be there in a minute, then when you finally get his sister a drink and go to help him, she comes upstairs and demands more breakfast, so you have to send her back downstairs whilst you trying to get him on board with choosing from the shorts/trousers we can find rather than focussing on the ones that he wants to wear that are lost in action – the usual kind of stuff. I include this description for any non parents or parents of freakishly well behaved children who might not understand just quite how hard getting three people ready to leave the house can be).

But I digress. School run was ok, the office staff were even quite helpful about me having to go back to get the lunches I’d forgotten. Then I went round my mums to help paint her spare room – which mainly meant doing the top 8″ of the wall that she hadn’t managed to reach herself. That went ok. But then I went to her local shops on the way back and things started to go wrong.

I found myself with that free form, unattached worry feeling, building in my stomach. Not good. No bitchface/innercritic or panic, just a feeling of uncertainty, that things are wrong in some way, but not sure what to do about it. The word miasma sprung to mind, the concept of some bad air that was suspected to drift around causing black death. I felt like I’d walked into a miasma of worry.

I managed to formulate a plan of sorts. Buy some lunch that doesn’t need preparing, don’t try and do anything else, go home. I’ve noticed in the past that this seems to happen when I need to eat, yet wierdly whilst I can recognise that I feel hungry anything I can think of to eat feels wrong and I end up walking around in circles doing nothing and feeling worse, or going in a cafe and feeling worse. So I managed to get home and eat my pasty and drink some water. That helped I think. Not being in town feeling rubbish helped. Just unpacking my shopping helped, both physically having something to do that didn’t require any decisions and the feeling that I’d done something (however small) helped. I also sent hubby a vague text on the way home that will hopefully prompt him to start a conversation with me later without worrying him in the meantime.
Oh and blogging helps, even just thinking about what I can write whilst on the way home helps clarify in my mind what’s going on.

So, now I have 45 mins before the school run. I’m going to try and have some quiet time. I do have things I need to do, infact one of them is a lurking big thing that may well be part of the cause of this anxiety but I can’t deal with it in 45 mins. So I’m putting it off until tonight. Hope that is the right plan and not just more avoidance, hard to tell. And then when the kids get home I’m going to try and buy some cooking time with a dvd I got out from the library for them the other day.

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Update, the DVD trick worked….

And for the mental health blog cook-a-long, tonight we have tomato rice, dahl, courgette and tomato with fenugreek, agirlcalledjack.com/2014/06/02/baba-ghanoush/ (with chick peas) and peas, served with mango chutney, lime pickle and yoghurt

And for the mental health blog cook-a-long, tonight we have tomato rice, dahl, courgette and tomato with fenugreek, agirlcalledjack.com/2014/06/02/baba-ghanoush/ (with chick peas) and peas, served with mango chutney, lime pickle and yoghurt

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4 thoughts on “Floating Worry

  1. I love your description of trying to get small people out of the house in the morning, that’s EXACTLY how my mornings go – one doesn’t want to be downstairs alone, the other won’t come down because she isn’t dressed, repeat everything 362 times (without losing the head) because they seem to have developed selective deafness, calm the irrational flashes of temper because the DS has to go in the main part of the bag and not the front pocket as usual due to a broken zip…………….and so on.
    For what it’s worth, I think you’re right to put off the big thing till later when you’ve got more time and maybe had a chance to chat to Hubby about the stomach churning. Hope you get it sorted, go easy on you x

  2. Pingback: Double Trouble | A is for Anxiety
  3. First of all, wow – your dinner looks amazing!! Do you cook like that every night? Also, please don’t tell me that your kids eat all those different foods, or I will have to stop reading our blog out of principle. 🙂 (I’m kidding. Really.)

    I think there are lots of good things in this post. I like how you described the vague feeling of worry – and I think it’s awesome that you recognized it, thought of what could help, and put those plans into action. I think this is precisely what it means to be managing our depression/anxiety/whatever. So plenty of kudos to you for that!

    I’m also struck by your description of yesterday – and then saying that today should have been off to a good start as well. I have been having such a hard time lately with the whole idea of taking one day at a time, and viewing each day as its own thing. So I hope you’re not making yourself feel particularly bad about today, because given the success of yesterday, today should have definitely been good…you see where I’m going with this. Remember to be patient with yourself, and tackle each day as it comes – with its own version of the good, the bad, and the ugly. 🙂

    • First the easy bit. Dinner. No, I don’t cook like that every night, (I’d like to). The night before we had oven chips, peas, fish fingers and/or veggie sausages (all from the freezer) and baked beans (from a tin). I do cook plain rice, dahl and vegetables quite often and have trained my fussy eater to eat dahl with plain yoghurt stirred in. The other week I made tomato rice (a pre kids favourite), dahl and veg instead, she hated the tomato rice, he loved it and then decided he didn’t like dahl. This week I cooked loads so I’d have extra to take around to a friend whose had baby number 4 (the eldest being nearly 6,the thought of being responsible for that many kids that young gives me the heebie geebies) and whose hubby has now gone back to work. So I bothered to cook the tomato and courgette so she could have some of that too – but then got distracted and made the baba ganoush as well (the kids ate neither of the vegetable dishes, hence peas too, see, you can keep reading). Then the next day we had plain rice, peas (I sense a pea theme here) and home made buttered chicken (from the same Indian recipie book as the rice and courgette dishes) so today I could take her a home made takaway of tomato rice, buttered chicken, dahl and tomato and courgette. As a bonus, I got to cuddle the baby, and she fell asleep on me, so I sat there for an hour and a half holding a sleeping baby whilst she played with the 2 year old – that’s my kind of being useful!

      As for recognising the worry, I can’t really ignore it, I was physically feeling it in the pit of my stomach.

      The good day / bad day thing. Yes, I probably need to take one day at a time. I think the frustration was that it wasn’t just a good day where I didn’t feel stressed, it was a day where I was being good and dealing with some of the big pile of stuff that causes my stress. So I had done stress reduction stuff. So it felt really unfair that the next day I felt stressed, and it demotivated me to bother to deal with stuff. Of course, I know cerebally that “getting on top of things” is a medium to long term plan with medium to long term results, but I have a petulant inner child who is stamping her feet and finding the whole thing unfair, surely if you bother to do the nasty hard right things you should be rewarded STRAIGHT AWAY?! (Maybe I need to do the stuff when petulant inner child is napping and doesn’t notice 🙂 )

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