Yesterday was good. After a busy start to the half term holidays, an okay middle and then my brother visiting at the end I finally had a day to myself, hubby at work, kids at school, visitors gone. After a slow start (blubbling at an uplifting story about a young woman with non verbal autism – thanks internet) I did some stuff. Yay. I now have a much cleaner, clearer kitchen with enough workspace clear to serve everyone’s tea at once (it’s been a while) and have sorted out the cupboard with damp at the back (yeugh, well it’s better for now at least, long term solution is already on “the list”) and tidied and cleaned the living room (well, the middle of it, don’t look in the corners or behind the sofa). Oh and I found a roofer who has time to assess my roof issues (it’s been a wet and windy winter around these parts, roofers are a scare commodity). Plus hubby and I had 40 mins in the pub whilst the kids were at their group. And I finally got chance to do some sewing and instead of starting another new thing I finished something I started a year ago.
So, today should be a day for building on my good start. Right? Except somewhere the script went awry. This morning wasn’t too bad. No tempers or meltdowns, just more of a long slog with me constantly trying to get children into a fit state to go to school whilst they wandered off and/or interrupted me (you know the kind of thing, a small girl asks you to get her a drink, then follows you into the really rather small kitchen and pesters you thus preventing you getting it, then the other one appears in their pants as they can’t find their shorts, so you have to send him back upstairs to get his t shirt on saying you’ll be there in a minute, then when you finally get his sister a drink and go to help him, she comes upstairs and demands more breakfast, so you have to send her back downstairs whilst you trying to get him on board with choosing from the shorts/trousers we can find rather than focussing on the ones that he wants to wear that are lost in action – the usual kind of stuff. I include this description for any non parents or parents of freakishly well behaved children who might not understand just quite how hard getting three people ready to leave the house can be).
But I digress. School run was ok, the office staff were even quite helpful about me having to go back to get the lunches I’d forgotten. Then I went round my mums to help paint her spare room – which mainly meant doing the top 8″ of the wall that she hadn’t managed to reach herself. That went ok. But then I went to her local shops on the way back and things started to go wrong.
I found myself with that free form, unattached worry feeling, building in my stomach. Not good. No bitchface/innercritic or panic, just a feeling of uncertainty, that things are wrong in some way, but not sure what to do about it. The word miasma sprung to mind, the concept of some bad air that was suspected to drift around causing black death. I felt like I’d walked into a miasma of worry.
I managed to formulate a plan of sorts. Buy some lunch that doesn’t need preparing, don’t try and do anything else, go home. I’ve noticed in the past that this seems to happen when I need to eat, yet wierdly whilst I can recognise that I feel hungry anything I can think of to eat feels wrong and I end up walking around in circles doing nothing and feeling worse, or going in a cafe and feeling worse. So I managed to get home and eat my pasty and drink some water. That helped I think. Not being in town feeling rubbish helped. Just unpacking my shopping helped, both physically having something to do that didn’t require any decisions and the feeling that I’d done something (however small) helped. I also sent hubby a vague text on the way home that will hopefully prompt him to start a conversation with me later without worrying him in the meantime.
Oh and blogging helps, even just thinking about what I can write whilst on the way home helps clarify in my mind what’s going on.
So, now I have 45 mins before the school run. I’m going to try and have some quiet time. I do have things I need to do, infact one of them is a lurking big thing that may well be part of the cause of this anxiety but I can’t deal with it in 45 mins. So I’m putting it off until tonight. Hope that is the right plan and not just more avoidance, hard to tell. And then when the kids get home I’m going to try and buy some cooking time with a dvd I got out from the library for them the other day.
Update, the DVD trick worked….