Yesterday was not that great for me. But there was a period, when I had the kids and was living in the moment (even if the moment was cooking whilst they were hypnotised by a DVD) where it was ok.
Then the kids were in bed. And I wasn’t ok. I hid in my room, avoided the ringing phone, wrote another post, all the while justifying my hiding by the fact I had to keep going back to the kids and reminding them that it was quiet time, turn lights off, get in your own bed (they were struggling to settle). I wondered why hubby hadn’t come to check on me.
Eventually I made a foray downstairs and found out why. After weeks of our mental states dancing around each other, taking it in turns to feel ok and feel rubbish, finally the thing I’d worried about had happened. We were both feeling crap at the same time. We had been hiding in opposite parts of the house distracting ourselves with electronica.
I hugged him but I couldn’t think of what to say. Eventually I managed “I don’t think I’m feeling up to being your nurse right now”, or something like that, there was probably a sorry too (I say sorry a lot to him when I’m feeling rubbish). Not my most elequoent moment ever but he seemed to understand. I manged to engage basic autopilot and went around the house clumsily doing some housework to try and stop us sliding out of control. He went out and bought chocolate and then returned to sitting hunched and slightly haunted looking playing computer games on his tablet.
When my autopilot got to the end of a few tasks, I had an idea. I found the other DVD I got from the library, the one for us to watch (attempt at date night) and we went to bed, stuck Salmon Fishing in the Yemen on the laptop and ate chocolate together. By the end we were both smiling and laughing and joking. Well done Past Me With Head Screwed On Right for having the forsight to get that DVD out. We had both been feeling rubbish and had survived. I was really pleased.
But I made the mistake of going and cleaning my teeth. I came back and the mood was broken. Distraction over he was back to feeling rubbish. I felt torn, wanting to help him yet not knowing how, and wanting to seperate myself so I didn’t get sucked back down too, so at least one of us was functioning (of course Bitchface loved this opinion, how selfish was I).
In the end I lay there with my hand on him in the dark, my head swirling with thoughts about all of us, trying not to let him notice I was crying, falling asleep because I coudn’t stay awake any longer despite worrying about him, sat there, still awake, needing sleep and so much more, playing on his tablet.
One step forward, two steps back.
Unsurprisingly today I feel a bit like I’m in limbo, tired and unsure what to do. I have managed a couple of things in small bursts and have started reading an actaul book. I also had the revelation that I could eat some of the leftover dinner that I was saving for his lunch tomorrow. That I can take care of my own nutrition not just the rest of the family’s.
Now to keep remembering to breathe for the rest of the day….