So, attempt number two to work out for myself what I want to get out of seeing a counselor (hmmm, not feeling comfortable typing that phrase) before my initial appointment tomorrow (eek).

I have been suffering from anxiety for at least a year. It comes in phases. When it’s bad I struggle to answer the phone, open mail, read emails, get out of bed in the morning, I generally don’t feel on top of things and I’m irritable. (There’s probably a whole bunch more stuff, ask my darling husband for details). I know I contribute to my problems, for instance I actively avoid them when they start, or rather when I perceive they start – e.g. I know someone is trying to phone me so I decide I’ve let them down and I avoid answering the phone at all because I want to avoid confrontation. Initially they just wanted to talk to me, by avoiding them I have built the contact into a problem in my mind and made them annoyed with me. I also know that my general bad time management – including being rubbish at going to bed on time, doesn’t help either.

I feel that I have a backlog of stuff that I need to get on top of, which I avoid when I’m feeling bad because it’s too much to cope with. I also avoid it when I’m feeling good too as a) I want a rest from the bad feelings and b) it’s so big that even trying to quantify what’s on it is overwhelming let alone trying to start.

I am sort of muddling by managing my anxiety (no longer hiding at the bottom of the garden when the phone rings) but I don’t want to muddle by, I want to improve, and I don’t seem to be managing that on my own so I think I need some help.

I want to be able to change my behaviour so I don’t get so worked up in the first place. I want to deal with the situations that make me anxious more effectively. I want to get on top of my to do list so that it feels manageable.

OK, right, all clear. Now all I have to do is turn up, on time, to the right place for this appointment. Remember not to take against the counselor on sight because she’s a counselor (I’ve identified a little prejudice of mine there). And explain that lot. At least the boy’s outpatient appointment (not ASC related) has been postponed so I don’t have to do that as well afterwards now, I just have to help sell cakes at school before hand and deal with a house full of builders (well, 2 of them).

What’s that you say, don’t forget to breathe? And eat, must remember to eat something half way sensible at some point.

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