I have been better lately. So much better. Out running 3 times this last week – before breakfast. Starting to get on top of things at home. Sorted out the mess up that was supposed to be the boys booked birthday party. On top of the washing up pile. I have been doing a lot of sewing that I suspect can be a warning sign, but it’s probably just a kids back at school relief at being able to do some again.
Plus I’ve been dealing with a decidedly shakey start to the boys life at junior school and trying to get off on the right foot with all the SEN stuff there. More on that another time but I’m doing positive stuff.
So, it’s easy to pretend that everything is fine. Except it isn’t. You see, I’m not sure I can cope with everything at once, I feel like I need a phased return to responsibility. I can cope with doing stuff, but only so much. And dealing with me and the boy (and all the other household stuff and not forgetting husband and daughter) is quite enough. So I’ve been ignoring the voluntary thing I’ve felt pressured into signing up for a while ago that has got firmly tangled in my mind with anxious phases. The problem is, dealing with finances for other people isn’t the kind of thing you can put down for a bit. It started off as not now, in a bit, not today. Then I realised it was getting late, so I started ignoring it. And I know there are emails in my in box re it. And the more I think, the worse I feel and the harder it is to open them.
Yesterday there was a committee meeting. I was terrified someone would call round to get me to take me there to account for myself. I took the kids into our bedroom, stuck them on iplayer and fell asleep. I managed to message something semi coherent to hubby and he came home and cooked tea and was generally a trooper. He made me come downstairs to eat tea and let me ignore a phonecall. I got increasingly anxious that someone would call round on their way home and hid upstairs until it started getting late and the feeling subsided.
So, today I would deal with it. I promised myself. Except the friend that offered ages ago to do put up some shelves for me rang me and wanted to come around and discuss it at 9.30am. And the discussion led to a trip to the DIY store to buy supplies. And then he wants to come back later to make a start so I have been manically moving books and piles of junk about to make space.
Meanwhile I have had a text from someone on the committee. I NEED TO OPEN IT. I need to deal with it. I’m back in the same old same old letting people down and making them cross because I can’t deal with stuff because I’m so anxious about it because I’m worried that I’ll let them down and make them cross. What sort of idiot does that?
I’m even eating the icecream that I bought as a treat to have after reading the text message because I’m now stalling by writing a blog post because that is helpful, right?
So, deep breath. Tell myself, reading a text message won’t make the situation any worse. It will just inform you and there’s a chance it won’t be as bad as you think. Nobody can tell you’ve read it. In fact they probably assume you have already. So, I… will….open….it…..
OK, she just wants to know if some grant money has been paid in, is apologising for hassling me and says a text is ok. I can do this.
Right, next step, brew tea.
Right, tea brewing, dongle thingy fetched, remember, you managed to register the account for internet banking and get it set up recently. Now, how hard can it be to remember what to do…..
OK, logged in, grant has not been paid so I’m not technically delaying things. Next step, sort out mug of tea…..
Ok, have tea in hand and have texted her, explaining grant definitely not received, and apologising as caught up with difficult school start for son (whom she knows).
Still with me? Might not read like much but that little storm in an expresso cup (too small for a tea cup surely) had my heart racing, my stress hormones flowing and took all my logic and willpower. Even then it took me a couple of hours to build up to that. Guess that maybe my anxiety is still hanging around after all. Right, now I’m going to reward myself by not checking my emails (I’ll do them tonight, ok?) but instead by going to the shop – doesn’t sound interesting but there’s a weekly van selling local produce due round the corner any minute now.