running round in circles not getting anywhere

People keep asking me how I’m doing. Not in any meaningful way (I haven’t actually started talking to people about the state of the inside of my head or anything radical like that), just being polite. I’m probably supposed to say “fine”, but I’ve never quite been able to bring myself to do that. Or maybe I just don’t realise at the time – I like to be honest in my conversation (hmm, a side affect of reading lots of books about Austic Spectrum Conditions recently, is that this, like many other small things that people I know do, is now ringing “ASC trait” alarm bells in my head).

Anyway, my latest standard offering to those engaging me in such smalltalk has evolved to be “You know, running around in circles, not getting anywhere”. Someone replied to me yesterday “Isn’t that life?”. I need to remember that. Because, Bitchface see’s it as a clear sign of failure, you know, lack of direction, lack of organisation, lack of applying myself.

Today I realised that it’s a month until Christmas Eve. Eek. I’m not that bothered by the preparation for Christmas itself (maybe it’s just not near enough for me to panic yet) but I had a plan back at the beginning of October or maybe it was in September that I would Be More Organised and Start To Get Things In Order and Make a Noticable Difference as a Christmas present to myself. And looking around I see little evidence of Having Got Somewhere, because, well, I haven’t been following my plan. For various reasons.

So today, Monday, I started feeling guilty. Which I have channeled into trying to vanquish the washing up pile (progress made but unsurprisingly no victory decleared), doing some overdue cleaning/clearing-our-small-to-start-with-work-surface from all the random recipies/school letters/bits of string/medicines/other stuff that was covering it. Oh and I made soup with a scary vegetable. (Salsify, ok so it wasn’t that scary more a little intimidating). I have checked emails a bit, so I’m not being totally useless, but definitely could do better on the admin front. I need to do better. Soon. However, today, I will settle for a bonus You Can Tell I Got Off My Bum and Did Something Cleaner Kitchen even though I’m having an Only Feeling Middling Day (I think Bitchface expects Superwoman, she can go hang).

Oh, did I mention, that the boy had a not so great weekend. Tired, unable to concentrate, not sleeping, finding everything tricky, being quite silly. Hmm, sorting out boy, also on my to do list. Ha.

Right, now to get back off my bum and Do Some More Vaguely Useful Stuff rather than Resting on my Miniscule Laurels.

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