Hi there, fancy reading a random synopsis of my mental health week? I won’t blame you if the answer’s no, but writing it helps clear my head at least, so here we go.
I’ve been caught up in another whirl of self caused sleep disturbing letting people down racked with guilt but unable to deal with it so therefore making it worse anxiety this week. (Hmm, not sure if that even makes sense but that’s probably pretty fitting cos anxiety doesn’t). Combined with hormones and stomach cramps. Nice. It actually hasn’t been too bad, I guess because overall I’ve been better recently. Oh, apart from the nasty images flashing through my head occasionally, them I’m not so keen on, but I’m not really in a place to deal with that right now. I’ve had to chunk anxiety related stuff up into miniscule steps to deal with it and took days doing the first step. I haven’t been even talking to my other half about it as he’s slowly recovering from a traffic accident a few weeks ago (nothing too major, but painful and a temporary big change to his mobility). I guess he can probably tell something is a little off, but we haven’t had time to talk. So I’ve been dealing with this alone. Or rather, trying to deal with this. Oh, my coping strategies are so absolutely rubbish and yet so hard to change (talk, to an actual real life person, about my issues, you have to be joking right?).
It’s been hard to find time to do stuff (including talking to my other half) as the kids are off school this week. The only way I can get peace from them is to plug them into the computer, that very computer I need to sort the anxiety inducing things out. Technically there’s also evenings. Sleep routines have been better around here lately, partly due to pushing the kids bedtime back a bit, so now it’s usually 9pm or thereabouts by the time we get them settled in bed. This routine starts at 7.30. An hour and a half of time (mainly mine at the moment) to settle kids at night seems a lot at their age (8 1/2 and 7), I’m trying to get less involved with the initial pajama’s/teeth etc bit as they should be able to do that now, but it’s a risky path to take and leaving them unsupervised can lead to chaos. (The boy in particular is so unpredictable. He can get himself ready in 5 mins unaided. Or you can have to stand over him for half an hour saying “pajama’s, put your pajama’s on, no, don’t pick up that book, it’s pajama’s time” etc if you are to stand any chance of him getting in his pajama’s). My point being, by the time I come downstairs its 9pm I need a sit down. Which turns into 2 hours on the computer, I’m shattered and the washing up isn’t even started from dinner time, leaving a do now and have even less sleep choice or leave it till the morning. Anyway, one way or another, not much sorting out seems to happen in the evenings.
I tried the mornings. It should work, shouldn’t it. I steeled myself to wake before the kids. I woke several times in the night to check the time. By 6.30 when I was going to get up and do stuff I was a tired nervous wreck who just wanted to hide from the world under the duvet. Hmm, not good either.
So, this evening I had resolved (once again, I’m good at thinking up resolutions, less good at sticking to them) to try and shuffle a little further forward with the progress I made, when I realised how bad my other half was feeling. I had picked up some signals earlier but was too caught up in my own stuff to work it out properly and too busy to find out more. Anyway, turns out he’s stressed out about going back to work part time on Monday, about the lack of support and understanding at work, about how work had been going before the accident, about the forms for the solicitor regarding the accident. I tried to listen properly, to give that some space. I tried to help. I’m not sure how good I did at either. And I did nothing from my Anxiety To Do list.
What a pair we make.
So, next week, kids back at school, other half is supposed to be going into work 4 hours a day, which will make him shattered, let alone the two bus rides on crutches he’ll need to get there/back, it’s the girls birthday and party at the weekend, I don’t feel at all organised and then there’s my guilty little pile of stuff I should have been doing but haven’t that now feels to big to sort out and is threatening to bite me on the bum.
I think I may need a plan. I’m guessing hiding under the duvet in the mornings hoping it wont happen and then busying myself with housework all day to try and block out the guilt, being crotchety and impatient with the kids, staying up too late on the internet/sewing and then not getting enough sleep is not a good plan. Which is a shame because it’s my default habit.
So, what do I need to do to come up with a plan, hmm.
To Do List:
1) Work out enough of my to do list to proceed to point 2 without becoming so overwhelmed at the amount of stuff I haven’t done and how crap I am that I retreat under duvet for next 3 years.
2) Prioritise to do list
3) Work out realistically what there is time to do this week
4) Do the maximum amount of top priority things without burning out
5) feel better for starting to get somewhere
6) Go back to 1 and keep repeating until Competent Adult Status is reached.
And now? Now it’s nearly 1am, and I am too tired to start, so I need to turn off this machine and go to bed now. There’s always tomorrow to make a start right. What could possibly go wrong?
Half an hour of internet surfing in the small hours later and the first thing that could go wrong already has. However, to prove I’m not completely rubbish, I’ve just remembered the last 2 of my stash of unopened kids magazines, which I shall leave for them to find in the morning, sometimes this trick buys me an extra hour in bed. I’d cross my fingers but I don’t believe in being superstitious. I shall try it with my new “leave some apple rings in tupperwear” trick, in a bid to counteract the effects of a Boy Who Needs Breakfast (trust me, it’s not pretty and by the time he gets in that state getting breakfast into him can be less than straightforward).