There is a thing in my life that causes me stress, great stress. Its a volunteer responsibility that I took on at my lowest because I didn’t know how to say no and I thought my husband wanted me to do it. I have always associated it with stress and therefore avoided dealing with it, which makes problems, which stress me, etc etc. I don’t do it well. I’m letting people down. I’m ashamed. I’m afraid that I’m going to get publically shamed. It’s all mixed up with not admitting to anyone that I’m ill. Gosh. Ill. Don’t think I’ve thought of it that way before. Right, park that one, back to the point.
I have done a bare minimum sorty outy thing tonight. I need to do more. But I’ve come to realise, I need more than that. I need an exit strategy. For everyone concerned sakes. In the past I’ve thought “I can’t stop doing this, it’s in such a mess I can’t hand it over, I need to fix it first”. And then failed to fix it, carried on as always, ignoring it and being rubbish and letting people down and causing me stress.
I really don’t feel able to talk to my husband right now, I don’t feel I can put upon him at this time. So, I’ve emailed the counsellor I saw last summer. And I’m contemplating making a GP appt. It’s all a bit eek really. In so many ways I’ve been doing so much better. But, there is no staged return to life, so I’ve been ignoring a corner of it and that is, as I know, a rubbish strategy.
So there, in circles, to no one in particular, it is. I need a plan.
Facing up to your problems is the first stage of solving them, right? So, this is a small step in the right direction. And hopefully I will be able to sleep tonight.