Resurfacing

So, after Monday’s tantrum my mum came round and told me off for not answering phone calls from someone she’s knows (one of the things I’ve been putting off). So all in all I was feeling pretty rubbish.

So after the kids bedtime I went grocery shopping (as you do) and on the way called in on a friend and dropped off an impromptu present for her 10 year old. I can’t remember the last time I saw him smile (he’s usually flexing his nearly teenage attitude at me) but he was made up! So all in all, a great distraction from life.

Did I mention part of the reason I went out was that the answer phone was beeping, which freaked me out. I figured hubby would listen while I was out, but he must have been not feeling on top form himself as as far as I can tell he sat in our bedroom reading whilst I was out and when I got back the dreaded beep was still there.

I pressed play, heard who it was from, panicked guiltily and pressed pause. So it’s still there, but I haven’t heard it. At least the beeping has stopped. For now.

Then I went to bed. And woke at 3, 4, 5, 6, I was tossing and turning.

At proper get up time I felt sick, sick to the bottom of my stomach.

I told hubby and he brought me a bucket and a cup of mint tea and took the kids to school. He took the day off work so our son could have his usual home lunch on a Wednesday (not wanting to upset his routine any further) and he could collect them.

And I spent 24 hours in bed. Reading a little, sleeping a lot, not even turning on the computer. I ate 3 corn cakes for dinner, my only food.

And while he was out the phone rang, more than once, and the doorbell and there’s a text message on my phone I still haven’t read.

I feel guilty at all the extra work he did. Guilty that I haven’t found the words to talk to him about it.

Confused, am I ill or not? Really that should be am I feeling ill in mind or body, it’s so hard to tell. But Bitchface knows that only physical illness “counts”.

Anyway today I am up, dressed, took the kids to school. I feel I am resurfacing, feeling a bit quesy, a bit weak. Not quite ready to face up to things yet but ready to get out of bed. Am I being gentle on myself or avoiding my responsibilities, who knows, I can’t tell.

Now I’m about to go and talk to a specialist the Senco has brought in to see the boy. I think that is the right thing to do cos that can only happen now. And then we’ll see.

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