Not my best day

What’s worth than feeling anxious?

Today I’m feeling overwhelmed and shit but not actually anxious. In fact anxiety things have been a lot better recently for me even though I ditched the CBT by numbers in the summer (a great phrase my friend came up with when I was describing how useless it was to her) and a few weeks ago I accidentally stopped taking my medication because I was so caught up in being ill with a nasty chest infection and I have been ok without it since.

However, my other half is still not at work. He’s been off for months now. Technically he went back on “light duties” in the summer for a bit, but that didn’t work out well as his manager didn’t seem to understand what the telephone accessed occupational health service at work had recommended him to do and hassled him so he ended up in a worse state. Plus he had lots of holiday booked. Anyway, he is now signed off again and today he is seeing his managers manager about how to handle going back. Hopefully he will be more helpful.

So, I have been dealing with a very stressed person, who at times seems lots better, and at other times doesn’t, like the time he was out and came home late and shaking because he realised he was cycling past a colleagues house and couldn’t cope and had to push his bike home as he wasn’t in a fit state to cycle.

At least now, after a lot of effort on his part, has access to an actual real face to face counsellor now, one who “gets” him, so fingers crossed that helps.

But to add to the stress his parents have come to visit. He finally told them he’s off work and since then his mum has been ringing him up. I’m sure she’s worried about him, but it just makes him so stressed I can physically see it and the conversations are very awkward. So he tries to avoid talking to her, which adds to his stress and I think that avoidance is a factor in their decision to come and see us in person this week. Luckily they’re not completely without empathy and are staying in a hotel, but he looked awful just before they turned up yesterday, truly awful. I have been wracking my brains trying to work out how to help but what can you do, ring them up and tell them that the thought of their visit is making him ill so please don’t come? I find it very difficult to communicate with them at the beset of times, it’s hard enough trying to have simple conversations and I cannot imagine an outcome of that conversation that goes well. (Seriously, we cannot even manage to have a conversation about what might be a good birthday present for their grandson. We’ve been trying since the end of August, his birthday was in mid September, it’s still not resovled, they’ve still not got him a present as they’re unsure what to do. We’ve made a suggestion, we’ve said their alternative would also be fine, how hard can it be?)

So, instead, I’m sat at home, waiting to here how his meeting about work went, hoping that it’s not too bad, so I can help patch him up and accompany him to meet his parents that he so desperately doesn’t want to be left alone with. Which means I’m missing the second half of a parenting kids on the spectrum course I went on yesterday. Which is a shame as I really liked the trainer, I thought he was fab. And yesterday was mainly explaining All About Autism, most of which I knew already, and was painfully slow due to the many interruptions of a few frankly rude people on the course who just liked the sound of their own voice. So I’m missing the bit today that might have been more useful.

Meanwhile, despite my best intentions, getting up (first one dressed in the house, up and functioning while everyone else was in bed, that wouldn’t have happened 6 months ago), trying so hard not to nag, trying to be positive and inventive getting my son to stop crawling around on the floor fiddling with stuff and winding his sister up and get him dressed and eating, it still ended up with me loosing my temper and shouting at both of them. I feel so ashamed and such a failure. It’s just that there’s only so much being ignored and having kids be rude to me that I can take. I try and try, I think differently, I phrase it differently, I explain consequences, I warn them I’m starting to get cross, I give them last chances, but it’s like they are determined not to pay me any attention until I shout, and no matter how hard I try there is just too much stuff for me to try and get done all at once and at some point I run out of time/patience and I can’t cope any more and then we get caught up in this horrible shouting cross mess that leaves everyone feeling worse. And then all I can think is how can I expect them to reign in their behaviour if me, and adult can’t.

I feel like such a failure. I was biting back the tears on the way home from dropping them off because I didn’t want my husband to see me in this state when he was about to have to leave to have a stressful work meeting that made him look so awful this morning.

I’m not sure why I’m sitting here crying writing this. I’m not sure what the point is. I just don’t know what else to do. I’m trying so hard to look after myself and get myself back on track and do the right thing but there are just more balls than I can keep in the air. I feel like I’m feeling well enough to cope with some mythical “normal” life, but not my life, it’s too darn complicated and too much hard work. It’s like I’m an injured athlete that’s recovered enough to do some gentle rehabilitation exercises but instead finds themself having to compete in an Olympic Marathon. I feel so isolated, I don’t know who to talk to. I don’t really feel able to talk to anyone but my husband and yet he’s so fragile I don’t want to talk to him in case I break him.

Right now I just want my in laws to bugger off and leave us alone to muddling through and trying to get a bit more on top of our lives without adding extra stress and complication.

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