Exit Strategy

There is a thing in my life that causes me stress, great stress. Its a volunteer responsibility that I took on at my lowest because I didn’t know how to say no and I thought my husband wanted me to do it. I have always associated it with stress and therefore avoided dealing with it, which makes problems, which stress me, etc etc. I don’t do it well. I’m letting people down. I’m ashamed. I’m afraid that I’m going to get publically shamed. It’s all mixed up with not admitting to anyone that I’m ill. Gosh. Ill. Don’t think I’ve thought of it that way before. Right, park that one, back to the point.

I have done a bare minimum sorty outy thing tonight. I need to do more. But I’ve come to realise, I need more than that. I need an exit strategy. For everyone concerned sakes. In the past I’ve thought “I can’t stop doing this, it’s in such a mess I can’t hand it over, I need to fix it first”. And then failed to fix it,  carried on as always, ignoring it and being rubbish and letting people down and causing me stress.

I really don’t feel able to talk to my husband right now, I don’t feel I can put upon him at this time. So, I’ve emailed the counsellor I saw last summer. And I’m contemplating making a GP appt. It’s all a bit eek really. In so many ways I’ve been doing so much better. But, there is no staged return to life, so I’ve been ignoring a corner of it and that is, as I know, a rubbish strategy.

So there, in circles, to no one in particular, it is. I need a plan.

Facing up to your problems is the first stage of solving them, right? So, this is a small step in the right direction. And hopefully I will be able to sleep tonight.

A little outpouring on how I need to pull myself up by my own bootstraps

Hi there, fancy reading a random synopsis of my mental health week?  I won’t blame you if the answer’s no, but writing it helps clear my head at least, so here we go.

I’ve been caught up in another whirl of self caused sleep disturbing letting people down racked with guilt but unable to deal with it so therefore making it worse anxiety this week. (Hmm, not sure if that even makes sense but that’s probably pretty fitting cos anxiety doesn’t). Combined with hormones and stomach cramps. Nice. It actually hasn’t been too bad, I guess because overall I’ve been better recently. Oh, apart from the nasty images flashing through my head occasionally, them I’m not so keen on, but I’m not really in a place to deal with that right now. I’ve had to chunk anxiety related stuff up into miniscule steps to deal with it and took days doing the first step. I haven’t been even talking to my other half about it as he’s slowly recovering from a traffic accident a few weeks ago (nothing too major, but painful and a temporary big change to his mobility). I guess he can probably tell something is a little off, but we haven’t had time to talk.  So I’ve been dealing with this alone. Or rather, trying to deal with this. Oh, my coping strategies are so absolutely rubbish and yet so hard to change (talk, to an actual real life person, about my issues, you have to be joking right?).

It’s been hard to find time to do stuff (including talking to my other half) as the kids are off school this week. The only way I can get peace from them is to plug them into the computer, that very computer I need to sort the anxiety inducing things out. Technically there’s also evenings. Sleep routines have been better around here lately, partly due to pushing the kids bedtime back a bit, so now it’s usually 9pm or thereabouts by the time we get them settled in bed. This routine starts at 7.30. An hour and a half of time (mainly mine at the moment) to settle kids at night seems a lot at their age (8 1/2 and 7), I’m trying to get less involved with the initial pajama’s/teeth etc bit as they should be able to do that now, but it’s a risky path to take and leaving them unsupervised can lead to chaos. (The boy in particular is so unpredictable. He can get himself ready in 5 mins unaided. Or you can have to stand over him for half an hour saying “pajama’s, put your pajama’s on, no, don’t pick up that book, it’s pajama’s time” etc if you are to stand any chance of him getting in his pajama’s).  My point being, by the time I come downstairs its 9pm I need a sit down. Which turns into 2 hours on the computer, I’m shattered and the washing up isn’t even started from dinner time, leaving a do now and have even less sleep choice or leave it till the morning. Anyway, one way or another, not much sorting out seems to happen in the evenings.

I tried the mornings. It should work, shouldn’t it. I steeled myself to wake before the kids. I woke several times in the night to check the time. By 6.30 when I was going to get up and do stuff I was a tired nervous wreck who just wanted to hide from the world under the duvet. Hmm,  not good either.

So, this evening I had resolved (once again, I’m good at thinking up resolutions, less good at sticking to them) to try and shuffle a little further forward with the progress I made, when I realised how bad my other half was feeling. I had picked up some signals earlier but was too caught up in my own stuff to work it out properly and too busy to find out more. Anyway, turns out he’s stressed out about going back to work part time on Monday, about the lack of support and understanding at work, about how work had been going before the accident, about the forms for the solicitor regarding the accident.  I tried to listen properly, to give that some space. I tried to help. I’m not sure how good I did at either. And I did nothing from my Anxiety To Do list.

What a pair we make.

So, next week, kids back at school, other half is supposed to be going into work 4 hours a day, which will make him shattered, let alone the two bus rides on crutches he’ll need to get there/back, it’s the girls birthday and party at the weekend, I don’t feel at all organised and then there’s my guilty little pile of stuff I should have been doing but haven’t that now feels to big to sort out and is threatening to bite me on the bum.

I think I may need a plan. I’m guessing hiding under the duvet in the mornings hoping it wont happen and then busying myself with housework all day to try and block out the guilt, being crotchety and impatient with the kids, staying up too late on the internet/sewing and then not getting enough sleep is not a good plan. Which is a shame because it’s my default habit.

So, what do I need to do to come up with a plan, hmm.

To Do List:

1) Work out enough of my to do list to proceed to point 2 without becoming so overwhelmed at the amount of stuff I haven’t done and how crap I am that I retreat under duvet for next 3 years.

2) Prioritise to do list

3) Work out realistically what there is time to do this week

4) Do the maximum amount of top priority things without burning out

5) feel better for starting to get somewhere

6) Go back to 1 and keep repeating until Competent Adult Status is reached.

And now?  Now it’s nearly 1am, and I am too tired to start, so I need to turn off this machine and go to bed now. There’s always tomorrow to make a start right. What could possibly go wrong?

PS

Half an hour of internet surfing in the small hours later and the first thing that could go wrong already has. However, to prove I’m not completely rubbish, I’ve just remembered the last 2 of my stash of unopened kids magazines, which I shall leave for them to find in the morning, sometimes this trick buys me an extra hour in bed. I’d cross my fingers but I don’t believe in being superstitious. I shall try it with my new “leave some apple rings in tupperwear” trick, in a bid to counteract the effects of a Boy Who Needs Breakfast (trust me, it’s not pretty and by the time he gets in that state getting breakfast into him can be less than straightforward).

Getting Back in the Saddle

So, this cold I had at the end of last week really knocked me for six. I was going to bed at the same time as the kids, sometimes before and sleeping right through, 10 or 11 hours, then spending most of the day noodling on the internet with a nap in the afternoon. Luckily I’m feeling a lot better now, although the remaining cold has gone to my chest.

So today has been a bit odd. You see last week I had a plan and was trying to blitz through stuff, get organised, do some exercise every day and generally get my act together. And then I had to stop for a few days. And then today was back to Monday and kids at school and I didn’t have a plan. I sort of drifted, picked up a few bits at the shops, called in on a friend whose having a slightly rough time of it herself, made some soup, made major inroads on the washing up, spent a little too long on the internet, then another friend called round for a cuppa unexpectedly before school pick up. So, nothing too much to be ashamed of, but also not doing any of the scary (for me at least) things from my to do list at the end of last week that had to get put on one side. And I know me, if I don’t watch it a nice quiet day doing not much will easily turn into a week of having done very little useful and backsliding on housework and then feeling rubbish with myself and avoiding things…..

So now I have to work out how to get back on track. How to pace myself. How to start doing stuff without pushing myself. It’s all about finding that elusive balance again. Which I’m rubbish at. I can feel Bitchface’s anxiety at trying to work out what I should be doing – which I suppose is a start in itself, an acknowledgment of my current frailty.

I’ve just turned down an offer of a run with a friend tomorrow morning, I cycled around the block earlier and that left me short of breath. So maybe that’s part of the answer, maybe I need to forget about the exercise for now and concentrate on the really hard stuff of opening emails and listening to answerphone messages – after all that doesn’t require physical fitness. Except that that’s the really hard stuff, and I find it so much easier if I intersperse it with some endorphin releasing exercise and list ticking housework so that I’m feeling on top of things to give me confidence.

Oh for a personal HR department in my head that could sort me out with a phased return to life plan!

The saga continues

So, where were we in the saga of My Son’s School Needs To Communicate With Me Better About All The Great Things They’re Doing?

The end of last week was a bit rubbish. On Friday, I calmed down and got a plan. I found a nice pretty card with a picture of a butterfly on in calming lilacs and I wrote every so politely, firmly and unambiguously inside “Please can we have a copy of X’s Thrive notes, thank you”. Hubby collected him from school while I collected little sister (so we could set off straight away on our big trip) and I gave him the card to hand to the teacher. Job done, right?

Hubby reported back that he’d talked to the teacher (teacher B for anyone taking notes) and that she had suggested we arrange to see them after school this week to talk about the notes.

This did not make me happy. By this point, the original aim of finding out what he does there is long out of the window I just want a copy of the notes that I’m entitled too and I’ve been told I can have and I’ve asked for at least 3 times now. Plus this week is mega busy, partly with end of term school shenanigans, and seeing his teachers after school means finding someone to look after him while we do it and hubby will want to leave work early and …..

I mainly forgot about this when we were away but when I was lying in bed trying and failing to sleep Saturday night this was one of the things that was rolling around my head.

I decided in the end that I would adopt a firm, polite, unyielding persona, of one who appears to listen and then repeats their point. Much like the head teacher at the school (which is why I’ve not contacted her at any point). As you won’t know head teacher, think politician. I decided that my response to teacher A on Monday would be “thank you for offering to see me about this, but I’m afraid I don’t have time this week, a photocopy for us to look at at home like the Senco said we could have will be fine thank you”. I practiced it in my head. Polite, to the point, firm and unwavering is not my style.

So, yesterday afternoon comes around. I’m running late, I decide I can’t be bothered with this conversation yet so I stand a way away so boy runs to me, avoiding teacher. Boy runs over and tells me teacher wants to see me. Great. I take a breath and go over (see One Depressed Mama, I’m following my own advice for once).

I should point out at this point that it’s Teacher B, who’s normally not there on Mondays. I have my script in my head but then she starts to describe the terrible day she’s had with him. Script out window. Massive Guilt attack. I know why she’s had a terrible day with him. He’s barely slept all weekend and yet despite that he was really good for us, it’s obviously caught up with him. I feel guilty about being a Bad Parent for taking him away in term time when he clearly couldn’t cope. I explain I know why he’s being bad, but she’s already aware he went away – he must’ve been telling her about the Tour De France.

Afterwards I thought about this guilt and I decided that it was a gut reaction and I’m going to let it go. After all, the school never seem that concerned when being at school makes him so tired that he’s a nightmare at home, midly sympathetic yes, but they don’t consider not teaching him for a few hours to make my life easier. And this was a very important trip to us as a family and it did me a lot of good. Plus it was unusual for us, we’re not taking him away like this in term time often. So I have decided I was not irresponsible, it was an exceptional circumstance (having the tour de france cycle down a huge hill that was part of one of hubby’s favourite rides as a teenager is unlikely to happen again) and this side effect is predictable, unfortunate, but temporary. I do, however, have to keep reminding Bitchface to tow the party line on this one.

Anyway, it seems like the main problem she had was getting him to write a letter. They’re buddying the kids up with the ones who’ll be at the top year of the juniors in September (great idea, see, they are a good school), the year 5’s had all written letters and the year 2’s were supposed to write replies. And he didn’t. She apparently kept him in at break and dinner time but he still didn’t write his letter. In the end he didn’t go to assembly at the end of the day and she left him with a teaching assistant instead and he finally wrote something.

I have some sympathy for the teacher. He’s infuriating when he’s in that mood. And he should be able to write a letter. But on refection, I don’t think keeping him in is ever going to work. You only get him to do stuff if you have him on side and keeping in the boy who needs to run around lots is never going to work.

So, once she’s discussed all this (well, more told me than discussed, I wasn’t quite sure what she expected of me, maybe I should’ve asked her that), with me being distracted by keeping an eye on boy over her shoulder who’s being quite irresponsible with an umbrella at high speed, then she mentions the Thrive stuff. I’m worn down at this point and when she starts talking about how the documents wont make much sense on their own and I need to have them explained to me my heart sinks and I’ve lost all my resolve. But then I realise that she’s suggesting I meet with the Teaching Assistant who takes him for Thrive, whom I know because she was the full time class TA when he was in reception, and she’s great. And it makes sense. And Teacher B is suggesting times when I can see TA towards the end of school hours and Teacher B will take over supervising the kids on the computers so that TA can talk to me.

This is actually a sensible, thought out plan and Teacher B is offering to give up some of her Planning Time to facilitate it, I feel like I’ve been met half way. And I can still ask for a copy from the TA if I think it’s appropriate so I can talk it through with hubby, who won’t be able to come.

So, that is the new plan. See TA in school, find out what is going on in his Thrive time, so that I have some idea. And also, work out what this blinking “Thrive Documentation” is, the thing that it’s so hard to find out about, that they’re using instead of the Home School Action Plan, that I only know about as their SEN policy states they will use a HSAP. Partly, I want gather evidence on how well/badly I feel they’ve been following their own SEN policy so that I can write a letter explaining the error of their ways to them after then end of term. Unless of course I decide that I’m being obsessive/vindictive/unfair and don’t write it. Or more likely I intend to write it and never get around to it.

We shall see. Anyway, I have a next step in the saga.

Floating Worry

Yesterday was good. After a busy start to the half term holidays, an okay middle and then my brother visiting at the end I finally had a day to myself, hubby at work, kids at school, visitors gone. After a slow start (blubbling at an uplifting story about a young woman with non verbal autism – thanks internet) I did some stuff. Yay. I now have a much cleaner, clearer kitchen with enough workspace clear to serve everyone’s tea at once (it’s been a while) and have sorted out the cupboard with damp at the back (yeugh, well it’s better for now at least, long term solution is already on “the list”) and tidied and cleaned the living room (well, the middle of it, don’t look in the corners or behind the sofa). Oh and I found a roofer who has time to assess my roof issues (it’s been a wet and windy winter around these parts, roofers are a scare commodity). Plus hubby and I had 40 mins in the pub whilst the kids were at their group. And I finally got chance to do some sewing and instead of starting another new thing I finished something I started a year ago.

So, today should be a day for building on my good start. Right? Except somewhere the script went awry. This morning wasn’t too bad. No tempers or meltdowns, just more of a long slog with me constantly trying to get children into a fit state to go to school whilst they wandered off and/or interrupted me (you know the kind of thing, a small girl asks you to get her a drink, then follows you into the really rather small kitchen and pesters you thus preventing you getting it, then the other one appears in their pants as they can’t find their shorts, so you have to send him back upstairs to get his t shirt on saying you’ll be there in a minute, then when you finally get his sister a drink and go to help him, she comes upstairs and demands more breakfast, so you have to send her back downstairs whilst you trying to get him on board with choosing from the shorts/trousers we can find rather than focussing on the ones that he wants to wear that are lost in action – the usual kind of stuff. I include this description for any non parents or parents of freakishly well behaved children who might not understand just quite how hard getting three people ready to leave the house can be).

But I digress. School run was ok, the office staff were even quite helpful about me having to go back to get the lunches I’d forgotten. Then I went round my mums to help paint her spare room – which mainly meant doing the top 8″ of the wall that she hadn’t managed to reach herself. That went ok. But then I went to her local shops on the way back and things started to go wrong.

I found myself with that free form, unattached worry feeling, building in my stomach. Not good. No bitchface/innercritic or panic, just a feeling of uncertainty, that things are wrong in some way, but not sure what to do about it. The word miasma sprung to mind, the concept of some bad air that was suspected to drift around causing black death. I felt like I’d walked into a miasma of worry.

I managed to formulate a plan of sorts. Buy some lunch that doesn’t need preparing, don’t try and do anything else, go home. I’ve noticed in the past that this seems to happen when I need to eat, yet wierdly whilst I can recognise that I feel hungry anything I can think of to eat feels wrong and I end up walking around in circles doing nothing and feeling worse, or going in a cafe and feeling worse. So I managed to get home and eat my pasty and drink some water. That helped I think. Not being in town feeling rubbish helped. Just unpacking my shopping helped, both physically having something to do that didn’t require any decisions and the feeling that I’d done something (however small) helped. I also sent hubby a vague text on the way home that will hopefully prompt him to start a conversation with me later without worrying him in the meantime.
Oh and blogging helps, even just thinking about what I can write whilst on the way home helps clarify in my mind what’s going on.

So, now I have 45 mins before the school run. I’m going to try and have some quiet time. I do have things I need to do, infact one of them is a lurking big thing that may well be part of the cause of this anxiety but I can’t deal with it in 45 mins. So I’m putting it off until tonight. Hope that is the right plan and not just more avoidance, hard to tell. And then when the kids get home I’m going to try and buy some cooking time with a dvd I got out from the library for them the other day.

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Update, the DVD trick worked….

And for the mental health blog cook-a-long, tonight we have tomato rice, dahl, courgette and tomato with fenugreek, agirlcalledjack.com/2014/06/02/baba-ghanoush/ (with chick peas) and peas, served with mango chutney, lime pickle and yoghurt

And for the mental health blog cook-a-long, tonight we have tomato rice, dahl, courgette and tomato with fenugreek, agirlcalledjack.com/2014/06/02/baba-ghanoush/ (with chick peas) and peas, served with mango chutney, lime pickle and yoghurt

Creeping forward

After I wrote my last post about trying to get my act together this week I realised that I’d been there before. Actually, I’ve been there many many times, what I realised was that I blogged from a similar place not that long ago and it had rapidly fizzled out.

Well, so far this week has been ok. Maybe my holiday was more relaxing than I realised. I started with a new planish (I couldn’t really call it a plan, hence the ish), which was roughly don’t stay up too late, drink some water, remember to breathe and work from lists. So, don’t stay up too late is fairly obvious and has been mainly stuck too, I have been going to bed at a fairly sensibly hour (by 11pm) although not as sensible as I envisioned for my sleep detox week which was by 10 – however the lighter evenings are making the kids bedtime interesting and if you are constantly putting them back in bed until 9pm that doesn’t leave a lot of time before 10pm. However, with a little nudge from hubbie (and some communication, go us) I realised that I don’t have to give up and abandon everything becuase I haven’t kept up to my envisigioned high standards, by 11 is still better than post midnight. Most importantly I’ve been going to bed without any electronic devices so even when I don’t go to sleep straight away I’m not up till the wee hours doing rubbish. Tellingly it was last night that I didn’t go to bed until midnight (I was having printer issues) and it was this afternoon that I felt my usual extreme fatigue around 3pm – just when I need to get my act together and pick the kids up.

Items two and three, drinking water and breathing, came from a brain training book I picked up on holiday. The book has a pretty cover but I found it incredibly irritating to read and haven’t got far. One thing it mentioned was drinking water first thing because you dehydrate in your sleep. I know I’m terrible at drinking water enough at all so I’ve been filling a 750ml bottle and making myself drink it in a day (I do have cups of tea too). The breathing thing is not just staying alive breathing, it’s short periods of deep breathing whilst focusing your mind on what you’re planning to do next. I’m not explaining that well but I’m sure you get the idea, breathe in for 9, out for 11 and think about the coming few hours, what you’re trying to do and what you need to do to do it. Actually, that has been tailing off but I did find it useful at the beginning of the week.

So, that just leaves lists, which is my own little invention to try and get me doing more and avoiding less without spending so long working out all the things I have to do in order to prioritise them that I paralise myself at the thought of the impossible tasks ahead. I’m pretty good at writing lists, less good about doing them, so a new plan was needed. I quickly drew up several concurrent to do lists. I’ve discounted general household essential tasks (feeding everyone and providing them with clean clothes and associated tasks) becuase I’m pretty good at keeping on top of that without too much thinking (except when I’m feeling really bad, which I’m not right now). My list titles are roughly Other Housework (i.e. the backlog of stuff such that doesn’t need doing daily and then builds up), Paperwork stuff, Jobs for Others (the big guilt inducers), House Maintenence (the kind of stuff that involves getting quotes, we have a lot at the moment), My health and Aspergerey Stuff. I just put two or three things on each list from the top of my head of things I know I should be getting on with without too much thinking about what should be there. Then I challenged myself to try and do something from as many lists as possible each day. Initially I thought I’d do something from each list each day, but I quickly realised that wouldn’t be possible, so I switched to a vaguer aim. Get me and my two realisations in a week that I’m not going to acheive perfection so instead of giving up I need to revise down my expectations. The point of concurrent lists is not to latch onto one thing (i.e. spring cleaning the house) and then use the fact that I’m doing something as a distraction tactic to the fact that there are big things that I’m avoiding (such as opening letters and thereby realising I have a bill to pay). I’m aware of the benefits of blitzing one area of your life, but for now I’m trying to think, right, I’ve done that, what different thing can I do.

So far things I’ve done include going for a run, phoning someone to explain why I couldn’t do the thing they emailed me about in the timescale they wanted as I’d just got back from holiday (which went fine, but was such a big positive behaviour change for me that I whooped and dance around the room afterwards, needless to say I was alone in the house), leaving a firm yet polite letter for the GP explaining why he should refer son for ASD assesment, filling out the forms on time so he can go away for the weekend without us (boy would I be in trouble if I’d messed that up), writing to the school SENCO (special educational needs co-ordinator) about son, ringing a man about getting our windows fixed, nothing major but slow and steady progress. Today has slipped a little but I spent the morning with a friend who’s recovering from a bad illness and her toddler, catching up and mooching and it was good to talk.

It’s not all positive. On Monday there was far too much shouting (mainly from me at kids) as we were all tired from travelling. Son’s behaviour has been frustrating at times, todays mini meltdown was because I’d bought his sister a new school dress as her old ones are getting small. I didn’t get chance to show him the zip off trousers I’d bought him, he wasn’t listening by then. His focus seems worse at the moment too, I’m not sure if it’s my heightened awareness, his cold, being back at school or what, but things like getting him to get dressed at the moment are a big effort. Left to his own devices he rolls around on the floor, kicks things with his feet, picks something up and fiddles with it etc. When stood over and directed “i.e. put that piece of lego down” he doesn’t do as asked and complains at me for having a go at him “leave me alone, I can’t do things with you talking all the time” he says, whilst still fiddling with lego. Either way he isn’t getting dressed, or whatever else it is he’s supposed to be doing. Luckily I’m still managing to wake up and get out of bed in the mornings, which is a big help. Unfortunately hubbie is run down at the moment so he isn’t so good at that.

However, I’m officially counting this week as progress, whatever I end up doing tomorrow (oh yeah, I’ve also admitted to myself that doing anything other than day to day stuff at the weekend isn’t going to happen so don’t beat myself up about it). Oh and One Depressed Mama has nominated me for a Liebster award, really should do something about that lest I look ungreatful, now which list does that go on….

Returning to Normality

We’ve all been away this week. It’s been great to spend time together as a family and I’ve been removed from my triggers and not been anxious.  Of course, the week has not been without it’s moments.  It started with a whole long tiring day travelling which took the kids a couple of days to recover from and had a noticable effect on their behavoir. Thankfully we planned things a bit better this time and it was no where near as bad as last time we made the trip (my overriding impression of that trip is lots of screaming). Staying in another house also has its compromises and it’s hard for the kids just to “be” without their toys around. Plus adapting to another families timescales is always tricky (I don’t think we left the house before 11 and everytime we went anywhere the first thing we had to do was have lunch). But there have been advantages too, lots of extra grown ups around for the kids and I have cooked exactly one meal and washed up just once all week.

However as our thoughts drift towards heading home I have been thinking of things I’d like to get done next week. And once I start thinking of things to get done I keep remembering more things, some of which have been on then to do list for a while. And then I get itchy in my brain, not anxious, more like an “uh oh, this route leads to anxiety triggers best stop now feeling”. Of course the danger is that I will start avoiding thinking about thing which is the start of making big anxiety inducing monsters lurking in the corner of my mind.

So, the challenge, as always, is to strike a balance. To find enough things to do to get me on a roll of doing stuff, but not so many that I hide in a corner. To prioritise some important enough things that are easy enough to acheive without trying to write out a list of everything I can think of that needs doing with the intention of putting them in priority order but instead actually paralysing myself into inaction and guilt.

And then there’s all the housework I want to get on top off alongside this yet without distracting me.

Oh and did I mention that I want to get back into regular exercise and make more of an effort to eat properly after a bit too much comfort eating of chocolate this winter instead of proper lunches.

And not too forget the pile of half finished sewing projects and the even bigger pile of sewing ideas in my head.

So, the challenge this week. Set appropriate goals. Challenging but achievable. In different areas. Flexible enough to cope with family life. And stick to them well enough to make some headway that I can build on next week. Fingers crossed eh?

yawn

The following is a very boring blog post, I suggest you ignore it, I’m only publishing it in an attempt to shame myself into better behavoir.

Tonight I promised myself and someone else that I would do an admin job. Which is not an easy admin job as I haven’t even been keeping my paperwork in the nice folder I bought let, alone been keeping said folder up to date. Plus some paperwork is hiding in digital format in my in box as it was never printed out due to printer issues. But I made a start yesterday, rather than avoiding it, and emailed them, rather than avoiding them, both of which are improvements on my usual more recent (I refuse to call it usual, I never used to be like this) Try to Ignore It and Panic and Make a Huge Problem for All Concerned Approach, so this evening I tried to keep up the good work.

I managed to gather all the stuff I could find for my admin job, which included sorting a ramshackle cascade (it wasn’t even a pile of papers any more) from in front of my wardrobe into Papers Relevant to The Task In Hand, Other Potentially Important Stuff and 750g paper that went straight in the recyle bin (the latter was the smallest portion. I wieghed it to make myself feel better and because I have new scales so I could. Also I just joined a Stashbusting Group for my Sewing, where people try and use up some of their stockpiled fabric, sometimes they talk about how much weight of fabric they used up. I wish there was a similarly laid back and supportive group to help me Get Shit Done Rather Than Making My Life A Misery).

Then I rang someone and arranged something, which was children related and helpful.

Then I rang my mum and chatted for a bit.

I realised that I’d stalled.

I managed to pull myself together and reply to an email, saying no to helping them this week (but I offered to help a day next week instead).

Then I tried to pay for my garden waste bin online (after finding the invoice and the reminder in one of my piles) but the system didn’t recognise the reference number, so I emailed a query.

And now I have prevaricated to the point where I’m getting too tired to get anything done. So I’m going to restack my paper piles, put everything that I found that needs to go in the folder actually in the folder and promise to try again in the morning. The sad thing is this is a marked improvement on recent coping strategies.