Incorrigable

My Inner Procrastinist combined with my ostrich inspired coping strategies have landed me in a pickle again the size of which has been made bigger by my Inner Perfectionist. Luckily a knight in shining armour came to my rescue.

First, a little background. If you’re finding life stressful and not always managing to cope quite as well as you would like, then volunteering to be treasurer for a local charity is not necessarily your best plan. To be fair on me, I had no intention of volunteering. I wasn’t even involved in any way with the charity, it was just something I vaguely approved of. No, I was approached. That alone I would’ve said no to, but the person approaching me told me that my husband had suggested I might be interested. That was the killer blow. Instead of deferring until I’d had chance to discuss it with him, I said yes. I’m not sure what my thought process was at the time, but I’m pretty sure guilt played a major part.

Since then, this little job and my anxiety have become entwined. The hand over of banking stuff got long and complicated and coincided with me not keeping on top of emails which made it take longer and made me feel guilty and anxious and then be not so good at keeping on top of things. Sometimes I am hard to get hold of, because I’m going through an anxious period. And then when someone is trying to get hold of me, I decide it’s because I’ve let them down, which makes me anxious, which makes me avoid all contact with them, which actually makes problems, it’s a sort of self fulfilling prophecy. I think about resigning, but my inner perfectionist thinks that I have to get on top of things before I do this, because I should be able to do this with my eyes closed.

Well, I have known for a while that I will have to prepare a report summarising our finances present at the AGM. I did this last year, and in fact nearly all of what I reported on was what the previous treasurer had done and it took me ages to figure it out (I mean, her figures added up, there was just very little explanation of what they were for) and I made a mental note to be organised so it was easier this year (ha). I have been meaning to do this since the new financial year. And not getting around to it. So when I peeked at an email (yes, you read that right, I literally peek through my fingers at emails that stress me out, how grown up is that)(actually its a slight improvement from not looking at all) and it mentioned this and a date of 23rd June I vowed to spend the weekend getting on top of this so I had it done by the end of Sunday.

Then my inner procrastinist started. And before I knew it it was the weekend. By the time we’d got the kids into bed and settled Friday night (which is being a bit of a challenge of late, as a certain boy keeps yoyoing back out of bed) I felt too tired to start. Saturday hubby was out all day, so no chance there and once I had wrestled the kids into bed by myself I didn’t feel up to it afterwards. Sunday we were all out and I was in a foul mood and irritable. Could these events be connected perchance? (the lack of shade didn’t help either). By Sunday evening I was beside myself.

But I managed, finally, to do a sensible thing. First I made a start. A slow start, but a start. And then I spoke to hubby, about the week in general, what we had on, how he was doing and then I actually managed to tell him what was on my mind, and that I needed to do finish the report the next day and that if I hadn’t finished it by the time he got home from work I’d be mega stressed. He suggested that I started at 10am, and asked me to email him details of the AGM so he could put it in his diary.

So, I started on it about 11 in the end. And I forwarded the email with the detils to hubby as I still couldn’t bring myself to read it properly. I kept doing bits, then going and doing some washing up or similar. I was edging forwards. Then around lunchtime the phone rang, it seemed to be a call centre trying to scam me, so I ignored it. It rang again a couple of minutes later, I ignored it. Then my mobile rang. I didn’t quite get to it in time. It was hubby, the last call to the house had been too.

So I rang him and guess what. He had read the email. It didn’t make sense to him, it mentioned a committee meeting in July that was before the AGM. So he checked the AGM date online. And it’s 23rd July. I have a whole extra month, well kinda, as I have to do the background work for the committee meeting, but that’s still ac couple of weeks off plus I’m a third of the way through what I have to do now.

So, that was yesterday. My knight in shining armour, who’s not too scared to read my emails and find out what I actually need to do, rather than what I have decided in my head that I need to do. I even got the courage up to email and check last night, and he was right, it’s a typo.

Of course I promised that I would get it done this week anyway and be ahead of myself. And of course, I haven’t done anything yet to day. And there’s another related email come now, and I haven’t read that yet…

Stuck on the treadmill

So, yesterday I got myself all in a tizzy because I should have done something last week and I didn’t. And then I didn’t do it because it was the weekend and we were all feeling under the weather. And then I didn’t do it because my husband was ill off work and I was tired. And then I was really panicked because it was overdue and I felt guilty and which made me anxious which made it really hard to do. I skirted around and did some other useful but less urgent stuff, building up to it. And then I got some phonecalls, which sent me into a spiral of panic. Obviously I didn’t answer them. My ability to answer the phone is dependent on my mental state (which reminds me, really should get around to thinking about my personal traffic lights).

But I did bully/cajole/pull my self together enough to work out what needed doing and get it done. With a bit of luck thrown in too. Yay.

And then I felt completely exhausted and wiped out. I even went to bed early, but hubby was having some down time watching olympic highlights on his tablet so I didn’t exactly get the early night I needed.

Oh and did I mention that one of the emails I managed to skim read had a thing I needed to do for tomorrow. I promised myself to work on it this morning. As it will take a lot of work. So, I have wasted the morning looking at stupid links from facebook. Gah.

I am confessing here in an attempt to shame myself into doing something. Once I’ve eaten the soup that’s cooking. That’s not procrastinating right, that’s looking after myself.

Healthy home made soup

Healthy home made soup