Trigger warning

I didn’t tell all of the story yesterday. I scared myself. I was doing something, trying not to think about The Stuff I Haven’t Done for 5 mins, and I realised I talking to myself under my breath, a bit like you might catch yourself humming or singing a song. Except I was muttering “I’m going to kill myself” on repeat.

WHAT?

That is not my thought, I’m not thinking that, I don’t want to do that, why am I saying it?   It must be some part of my brain that isn’t me saying that because I do not want to do that, not even close.  Except there is no part of my brain that isn’t me.

I’m struggling to explain what it felt like, because describing it makes me seem, well, mad, like a person in a story with voices in their head kind of mad (which is surely an ignorant/rude/insulting way of describing it but I’m struggling with the words for this so please understand I don’t mean it to be).  But the reality was far from what my media conditioned brain thinks of as “mad”. It was the opposite. It was mundane, uneventful. I was concentrating on a task and it just happened. And I only just noticed.

Which is why I kind of need to make myself go the GP. I’m guessing this counts as a change in symptoms. I don’t want to overplay it, I’m not planning on doing anything. But, still. If there is a small part of my brain that is thinking these things without me realising it, then, yes, I need help.

The Escher Maze that is my mind

Whilst I haven’t been feeling particularly anxious of late (which is obviously good) I still have room for improvement in my head. I wanted to type something like “I’m not quite X” yet – but couldn’t work out what X was – Perfect? Sane? Enlightened? Hmm, note to self, try and work out sometime where exactly you’re realistically trying to get to.

Anyway, I have been a bit tired (understandable considering) with grumpy patches – quite grumpy, including outbursts of extreme shoutiness (not my finest parenting technique). I’m hoping that I can assign the grumpy/tiredness to a bad case of PMT but the I’ve a worrying feeling it’s more than that. Sigh. Maybe just PMT + tiredness.

Also, I’m starting to notice that I’ve put on weight. Which is not surprising considering the amount of crap I’ve been eating in the past few months in the form of sugar/caffeine to keep me going and combat tiredness and perk myself up. Hmm, note to self no 2, there is a tiredness theme here.

Now I am not a weigh myself kind of person. I don’t know how much I weigh. I’m not sure if we have working scales in the house. At first, I wondered if feelings of putting on weight were due to hormone related increased sensitivity (one of my first signs of hormone surge is feeling uber critical about myself). Then I realised items of clothing were fitting tighter and I thought maybe it was water retention and hoped that if I ignored it it would go away. Then yesterday one of my favourite t shirts was too tight in the arms. Eek. I have never had a problem with that t shirt.

And then the merry little dance in my head began. I should loose weight. Which means I should eat more healthily. And exercise more. Start running “properly” again. Or swim. Or go to a class. Or all three. Oh and I need to drink more water. And sleep more, definitely. Get to bed earlier. Practise relaxation at night time. Oh, I seem to have dropped mindfullness stuff, I should start that again. And tidy up and ……

Before I knew it I was lost in the middle of a huge Escher like maze with all these things that I had to do in order to, to what, to be right, be better, hmm, back to note 1 again. Anyway, there are all the things I had to do, and they all need doing first. I can’t get up to run unless I sleep more, I can’t sleep more unless I go to bed early, I can’t go to bed early unless I get more organised, I can’t get more organised unless I get the boy to bed better and also do some mindfullness, and so on and so on. So, my path out of the maze, is some sort of mad Escher circular root where everything has to be done before everything else and everything is simultaneously more and less important than everything else and if you take any one thing away the whole lot is unstable comes crashing down. Arrgghhh.

So how to discern a way forward? I clearly can’t do everything. It would be madness to try, I would burn myself out and make myself an anxious failure in the meantime (and Bitchface would have a field day). So do I just do some of it – if so how to work out which bits to do first? Or a little of all of it – but how to monitor doing a little of everything, and judge how much to do and would any of it be remotely effective?

So, that is where my head was, last night maybe, I can’t even remember now.

On the more positive front, it’s not all bad. I’m grumpy in patches, but the rest of the time it’s ok. For instance I’ve been doing lots of cooking, much of it with the kids (hedgehog breadrolls anyone?).

Right, for now, one very tired mum is off to bed, busy day tomorrow (extra child to look after) and at some point the tangle of thoughts that is my brain needs unpicking slightly. (I seem to think in descriptions of visuals, wish I could see them too, then maybe I could draw them and have a cool illustrated blog, it alwasy seems wierd to have no pictures (my sewing blog has loads), but I don’t really have any thing appropriate and I’m never sure of the ethics/technicalities of using images out there in the interweb).

Night all.