Slow Puncture

I lost the structure again today, looks like I haven’t been listening to myself.

Anyway, after a morning footling around, waiting for a shop to open and chatting with a friend on a street corner for far too long and then finding out the shop didn’t have what I needed and then going into town and then the second shop didn’t have what I needed either, but the third shop did, and stopping off on the way home to get something, and realising on of the things I had bought (a bike lock) didn’t work properly and that I hadn’t had breakfast, and treating myself to a nice pasty in an attempt to do the right thing (rather than get all wobbly from lack of food), but pasty turned out not to be that nice (although I ate it anyway), and going back and getting my bike lock changed (which of course worked just find for the young man in the shop, so even though he let me trade it up for a different sort him and his colleague clearly thought me a little odd (Bitchface would say they thought I was Demented Middle Age Woman, but I’m trying not to jump too far in my conclusions)) and then deciding what I really needed was a coffee, so going to a cafe (even though I’m trying to cut down on cafe visits because they really don’t help either) but then the coffee didn’t taste as nice as I remembered and the cafe left me feeling a bit down and then cycling home and then it hit me.

Well, actually nothing hit me, that’s too dramatic. It left me. I felt like I had a slow puncture and I just realised that all the air had gone out of me and it was hard work to move. My oomphh had gone. I was deflated. I looked the same on the outside but the inside was missing. And I felt tired, overwhelmingly tired. Hmm, I’m not sure I’m quite describing this right. You see, it was more than just feeling a bit tired, but less than a crisis. I just wanted to hide under the duvet from the world. (Hmm, my sleep hasn’t been great this week, don’t think that can have helped).

So, today’s attempt at keeping going involved – remembering a great video about washing up helping your mental wellbeing (from the excellent Jonny Benjamin, which I irritatingly can’t find, but here’s another one of his), realising there was hardly any washing up to do, putting a wash on instead, filling a litre bottle of water (it’s humid – I figured that wasn’t helping and I never< drink enough), making a berry and yoghurt smoothie (as I thought I should have something healthy and not eating properly affects my mood, but after a pasty and then a croissant I wasn't actually that hungry) and then sitting in bed, drinking watching lots of Jonny Benjamin video's, many of which made me cry (I seem to be feeling quite emotional).

But after an hour or so of that I realise that I am feeling a lot better than I was. Less tired and deflated, although not exactly oomph filled. So, I'm going to hang out the washing and cook tea, as the kids are going out after tea and hubby is working late so it will really help to get that sorted now so I don't have to rush around trying to get it sorted quickly post school.

Right, I have a plan (and I've written a messy blog post), now to put it into action. Bye.

Self Pity-a-thon

Today has been like wading through treacle at times. Getting out of bed was hard. I have no umph left to coral small wriggly children – it took us 20 mins to leave the swimming pool after we were all changed and basically ready to go because I wasn’t up to the argument and effort required (and we only went because they had a lesson, that was the only reason I got out of bed I think). We had overpriced pasties in a coffee shop for lunch on the way home as I felt I needed a coffee to get me the rest of the way. There is a stack of things to do at home, washing up, laundry, tidying, packing, but any of those tasks takes a great deal of effort and concentration on my part today and that is hard to achieve when my children are constantly harassing me, or arguing, or banging or shouting. I’ve finally bought myself 5 mins peace by spending half an hour helping them make origami owls (their idea, I have no original idea’s today- and I had to help them one at a time, couldn’t cope with both at once, and I did get a bit shouty when they were struggling with the turn taking), and instead of being useful I have retreated to my room, the laptop and the radio.

I’m going to hide here till they find me I think, then let them watch iplayer next to me whilst I snooze.

I need to break out of this constant state of tiredness and get some oomph back. We’re going away tomorrow. Apparently.

Blip?

This evening has been not so great. No idea why. I often get post dinner tiredness which generally I put down to the stopping after the manic cooking dinner with kids falling out / interrupting me time. Today I came back with kids late (routine medical appt late in day for one of the kids and the other needed picking up on the way home) and hubby had cooked. I was shattered, I wanted to support my head with my hands to eat. I tried to slope off for quiet time after dinner, but the kids came and found me and rolled all over me. Hubby put them to bed solo. The shattered at dinner, interrupted quiet time and hubby taking over is a repeat of yesterday. The new bit was I stopped feeling tired and started feeling small. Very small. I just wanted to hide behind the duvet. I went and found him in the end but I didn’t know what to say, I didn’t even want to look him in the face.

Not sure what is going on. Managed minimal talking with hubby and my general mood rose slightly and has bobbed up and down a bit since, not as bad as earlier but definitely not “right”. Watched Bake Off (as suggested by hubby) – which was distracting but now it finished. Don’t know what to do now. Sleep would be good but whilst I’m not feeling agitated I don’t feel calm either. So I’m noodling on the internet – not really a great wind down activity. Especially when The Internet decides to produce error messages when I’m trying to leave comments on others blogs. Again. Darn you fickle Internet. And darn you Irrational Mood Swings.

Fingers crossed for better day tomorrow, as we need to sort out for going away (again) – this time including an incredible few days camping as a family that could be classed as a Proper Holiday (gasp). Which I’m pretty sure is a Good Thing so shouldn’t be causing issues. Can’t figure out my brain anymore.

A is for Anger

Hmm, my subconcious is giving me a prod. I was just reading One Depressed Mama’s post on Things I Want and found myself replying that I wanted to go a whole day without anyone loosing their temper.

When I’m anxious I don’t cope well with the kids and I’m more likely to loose my temper. Same when I’m tired. And after a while the cumulative effect wears you down, wears a groove into you that you get stuck in and things trigger frustration even when you’re feeling relatively ok.

I sort of am feeling relatively ok at the moment, although I’m aware I haven’t done much Getting On Top Of Things pre-emptive anxiety reducing strategy and now the easter holidays have started so I won’t do for another couple of weeks. But then we’re all a bit demob happy cos it’s the end of term too and some of the stresspoints in the day (such as leaving the house ready for school on time) are temporarily suspended.

Also, I’ve been a bit distracted, staying up all night reasearching stuff about Aspergers and looking for that elusive webpage where they don’t explain the basics of the condition for the umpteenth time but do actually have some helpful advice on how to help all concerned by easing some of the frustrations of life caused by having one member of the familiy who is wired up a little differently from the rest (the frustration is two way). (Even if it turns out that his brain wiring doesn’t fall into the Aspie category there is no getting away from the fact he’s not average and some of his wiring appears Aspie). Did I mention that he does get very frustrated, at seemingly very trivial stuff and has angry meltdowns? (this mornings started with frustration over his ears being blocked and boiled over into growling angry sounds and clenched fists when he remembered that a classmate (that I always thought he didn’t like) was leaving his school at the end of today – hmm, feeling emotion but not being able to label it, where did I read that….) This is some of the anger I want to reduce.

Plus hubby has been feeling run down by a nasty cold thingy after a busy busy winter (at work and at home) that just won’t go away. Which may well be related to all the stress going on at his work. So I’m trying to support him before he comes down with a dose of nutjob flu too. Role reversal time. And guess what, his fuse is shorter when he’s tired and stressed and overloaded at work and home too.

And the other one? It would be a lot to ask a 6 year old girl to be the saving grace of the family. She gets tired and grumpy too and has a hard time accepting when things don’t go her way. Sometimes I have a lot of sympathy for her and other times she is being a completely unreasonable small child.

So, my goal for us all this week is to turn down the pressure, turn up the empathy. have lots of low key moochy family down time and hopefully drastically cut the number of flared tempers. Fingers crossed.