Trigger warning

I didn’t tell all of the story yesterday. I scared myself. I was doing something, trying not to think about The Stuff I Haven’t Done for 5 mins, and I realised I talking to myself under my breath, a bit like you might catch yourself humming or singing a song. Except I was muttering “I’m going to kill myself” on repeat.

WHAT?

That is not my thought, I’m not thinking that, I don’t want to do that, why am I saying it?   It must be some part of my brain that isn’t me saying that because I do not want to do that, not even close.  Except there is no part of my brain that isn’t me.

I’m struggling to explain what it felt like, because describing it makes me seem, well, mad, like a person in a story with voices in their head kind of mad (which is surely an ignorant/rude/insulting way of describing it but I’m struggling with the words for this so please understand I don’t mean it to be).  But the reality was far from what my media conditioned brain thinks of as “mad”. It was the opposite. It was mundane, uneventful. I was concentrating on a task and it just happened. And I only just noticed.

Which is why I kind of need to make myself go the GP. I’m guessing this counts as a change in symptoms. I don’t want to overplay it, I’m not planning on doing anything. But, still. If there is a small part of my brain that is thinking these things without me realising it, then, yes, I need help.